Furry Rants and Ramblings

A day in the life of the Furry

2007-05-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

So as I previously mentioned Wed night I had a date planned with a girl. Yay for Furry. Turns out though the operative word in the first sentence is "planned". We had "planned" to get some pizza (from a great restaurant right near me), go for a walk, then watch a movie. We had "planned" this on Thursday. I emailed to confirm our "plans" on Sunday. I got confirmation of the "plans"....oh wait I didn't, which means the Furry also didn't have a date. In fact she never emailed back saying this isn't going to work etc, or any excuse, just didn't tell me anything. Yay. I have the best luck with women. If I was the Bachelor on ABC somehow each week instead of me selecting someone to get booted, one of the girls would get "mysteriously" hurt or ill until there were only two. The last two would then fight each other, not to be with me..no no, instead they would be fighting to see who could get off first. Miraculously for them though they would injure themselves so badly that neither would be left and instead I would have to eat the roses that were left over.

Anyways, later that night I went to bed...obviously. While sleeping though I was abruptly wakened by a liquid splashing on my face. It was 3:30AM. I was confused at first, not realizing what was happening. Then 2 minutes later it happened again. The sprinklers outside had cycled back around. Yes the sprinklers were spraying me through my window that was only open 6 inches, and through my closed blinds. Only the Furry. I normally wouldn't even have my window open, but they have delayed turning on the central air in the building, so I can't have my A/C running.

So let me recap, liquid being sprayed on me at night while in bed. Basically same story as Mona....only without the sex....and water instead of urine. God my life not only sucks but is boring too.

For my 4 loyal readyers....

2007-05-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

Don't worry I will be posting shortly. I haven't really had much to blog about, but I am thinking after tomorrow night I might have something. Knowing my luck though it will be nothing. Yes it involves a woman.

10SNE1

2007-04-24T22:10:00.000-07:00

That is a license plate one of my high school teachers told me about. Translation: "Tennis anyone?"

So I played a lot of tennis in high school, I mean a lot. I had to make up for the lost time, since I only began playing it in 8th grade. I did the whole lessons, tournaments, ladders, etc everything. My tennis pro was awesome. Gary, he looked exactly like the principal on Ferris Buhler's Day Off. Exactly. He always pushed me, but would take my smart ass mouth that I directed towards him. The only problem I had was I wasn't that competitive. I was one of Gary's best students, I just didn't care when I competed. This was evident in the tournaments I entered, where each time I lost in the first round...every time.

In high school I was a bit more competitive, especially in doubles. We won quite a few matches in doubles, a few less in singles. My coach though was absolutely worthless. He was fat, lazy, and never picked up a racket my whole career there. He was utterly worthless. But I made the best of it. My Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior year I made districts. One year at districts I was one win from state. Again I just couldn't win under pressure.

My senior year of high school I couldn't stand the coach anymore. I had been in several fights with him and thought enough was enough. Instead I asked the girls coach if I could be there manager. The girls coach was awesome, and I wanted to learn from him. He didn't know who I was, so first he I thought I was some perv, then learned who I was and made me an assistant coach instead. It was awesome. I learned a ton. I taught the girls. And I was called the "ass coach". What happened was I told a friend there was some nice ass on the team, so he started calling me the ass coach. One of our friends was on the team, and she heard him call me that. She assumed it was a shortening of assistant, so she told the whole team, and they started calling me the ass coach. Including the photo that is framed of the team and has on it, "To our #1 ass coach."

Also that year I went to Florida to tennis camp. I played next to Marcelo Rios, Jennifer Capriati, and Martina Hingis. It was great. Hingis even hit on me. Well not really, she did say hi to me, and I wasn't paying attention and just said, "hi" back not realizing the #1 lady in tennis just talked to me. What did suck there was the training. My pro "forgot" to tell me that it was rated UltraIntense by Tennis magazine. I hated him for it. As soon as I got back before I could say anything he was laughing at me. I was also the only public school kid there. There was one other private school kid, the rest were boarding school kids...I didn't even know those still existed.

In college my tennis career took a major hit. I tried out for the team, but could only give 60% at try-outs. Turns out the reason why was because I needed surgery on both my ankles. That made me give up tennis until now.

And now the reason for this post. I wanted to get back into tennis. I basically hadn't played in about 7 years. I played off and on in college, but never continuous and never against anyone my level. I decided to join a United States Tennis Association(USTA) league. The USTA rank people to determine what league to play in. The highest is 7.0, think Roger Federer or Andy Roddick. It goes down to like 2.0 someone who has never really played before. At my peak in high school I was probably a 5.0 (maybe a little higher). Now since I hadn't played in so long I didn't know what league to sign up for, so I signed up for a 3.0 league.

We have had 2 practices so far. I have dominated in both. I lost my first set the first practice, but after that I was awesome. It felt so good to swing the racket again. I wasn't sure how good I would do, or what I would remember. My serve has always been my best shot and in both practices I not only had aces, I also manage to leave welts on two different guys...they should have moved or swung their racket. I am assuming I will be moved up to 3.5 as soon as I start playing, which will probably be good.

The best feeling was today when a new guy came to our team. Most of the team is 40-50 year olds, but today a kid my age came to practice. He for some reason brought his girlfriend to sit in the car the full hour and just watch. I thought that was kind of weird, but she was a nice distraction because she was pretty hot. This was one of those kids who had a good serve, decent ground strokes, and thought he would dominate who ever he played. I think he brought his girlfriend to watch him do that, kind of show her how good he is. Well that didn't work, and if this was an 80's movie I would totally have taken the girl home with me. I destroyed him. No, that isn't strong enough, I guess humiliated him. I won the set 6-2. I was up 4-0 at one point. I guess if law school has taught me anything, it is how to be competitive and to finish off an opponent.

Game, Set, Match.

Furry needs help making a decision...want to help?

2007-04-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

So I will be graduating soon, which means Furry needs to find a job. Two of the possibilities include 3 month stints in Europe. One in Belgium another in Paris. So here is where the Furry needs help. Assuming I get an invite to one if not both of these positions do I take it?

NEGATIVES:

Gone for 3 months from family (including my nephew who is my favorite even though I am not supposed to have favorites)

Miss a good chunk of the football season

Have to put my stuff in storage

No health insurance

And most importantly.....not sure how to pay back student loans (if I never return though I won't have to...)

POSITIVES:

Real work experience in Europe, great for the resume

I am in FRIGGIN Europe maybe even FRANCE

Get to put my otherwise useless major to use

Great food

Losing probably close to 40lbs

Even better wine...and alcohol, seriously is there anything better than a bottle of caramel vodka (yes bottle)

Oh yeah and the women....I just had this really hot chick (yes Arbusto the really really hot one) email me back and beg for me to return even if it is for a "week, day, hour, or minute" end quote, she also then went on to explain she is putting her vibrator that we bought together to good and frequent use (why can't I find women like that here?)

What does the Furry do? I know most will say Europe, but those student loan payments/ and health insurance negatives are huge negatives.

My 1 inning date with Arbusto

2007-04-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

So last Friday was horrible.

It was supposed to be nice. First let me explain, I am in a group of guys who have season tickets to the Twins. We get an allotment of games depending on how much we paid. The problem is though we got the tickets the day before the season started, there are 12 of us, and we can never get together to meet to pick dates for tickets. So right now we have this god awful system where we pick by email, send it on to the next person, he picks, etc. Rinse, repeat and start all over again. Well we are a few weeks into the season and we still haven't finished picking tickets. This means the guy who is in charge has all of the tickets and cannot distribute all of the tickets until he finds out who is going to what game. So what do you do with the games that are happening now? Good question and that is where the cluster fuck-up happens. He gives them to you either day of the game or day before the game.

Flash-forward now to Friday. I had tickets to the Twinkies vs TB Devil Rays. Santana vs Kazmir, a great pitching match-up and Morneau was getting his MVP from last year. A great game. Well I had signed up for one of the pairs (we have 4 seats total but divvy up the tickets by pairs) and no one else had claimed the other pair. I get a call from the ticket distributor to go pick up the tickets from his brother.

His brother is a bartender at a fairly busy bar in St. Paul, and oh yeah I had no idea who is brother was or what he looked like. So in my suave James Bond character mode I went into the restaurant, stepped up to the bar, and surveyed the scene. I saw the guy who had to be his brother and the conversation went down exactly like this:

Me: Are you Craig's....
Him: Yes. Tickets?
Me: Yes
Him: (slides over a manila envelope to me)

I felt like I had an assignment to kill someone contained in the envelope. Instead it contained 4 tickets. Yep 4 not two. I was confused. I had only asked for 2, but I thought he must have not have been able to find someone else for the other pair so he gave them to me. I logically came to this conclusion because in all of the emails no one had signed up for that pair, and the game before he had to give away a pair of tickets because no one wanted them or could go. So I assumed they were mine. To double check this assumption I called the all mighty ticket distributor. I got his voice mail and told him to call me back immediately.

Then Arbusto showed up and it was time to go to the game. By this time I had waited 15 minutes and had not received a call. (I used my home phone and not my cell because I don't like to give my cell out. This will come evident why soon.) Arbusto invited one of his friends Utah, so I had one extra ticket. When we got to the game I scalped the ticket.

Arbusto waited outside for Utah, and I went in because the game was starting. I had a great conversation with the guy who had bought the scalped ticket and found out the scalper made a nice profit. Arbusto then enters with Utah, and we all settle in to watch the game.

First inning finishes. Then I hear from the aisle, "Hey Furry what the hell? Where the hell is my pair of tickets?" It is someone who I know is part of this whole season ticket deal, and I have no idea what the hell he is talking about. I get up and walk to the aisle so this guy does not keep shouting and because he is making quite the scene. Let me describe this guy: short, way oeverweight, beard/scruff, mid 30's, thinks he knows baseball but doesn't, and had his 4 year old daughter with him.

As soon as I get into the aisle he bombards me with insults and questions as to where his tickets are. I explain I had no clue he was going to the game. He then says, "What the fuck you don't check your messages? What asshole doesn't check their messages? How stupid are you?" All while his daughter is standing right next to him. I tell him I would be more than willing to exchange the tickets he had bought for my seats. Since I very well couldn't make the guy who bought the scalped ticket, nor Arbusto's friend who drove 30-40 miles to get there, leave. I said Arbusto and I would give up our seats. He then informs me he was let in by security and does not have tickets. He continues to insult me.

At this point I see this is only going to get worse if I do anything else. I give him Arbusto's and my seat. We leave.

I get home and listen to my voice mails. He left me 3. Including the last one, which only said, "How stupid are you?" I then called the ticket distributor guy and told him the situation. I said it was a huge fuck up, let's not let it happen again, and that I did not appreciate Fuck Nut insulting me and leaving harassing messages.

Saturday I get home after helping my brother with a morning hot air balloon flight, and low and behold Fuck Nut has left another message here is what it said:

"I want to give you the opportunity to say what you want to say to me and quit harassing Craig with all the childish kind of crap. If you have something to say to me then call me. Don't go calling to Craig he isn't your Daddy is he or something, or I don't know is he your Mom? Why don't you just call me and tell me what you need to tell me, alright big guy."

Those are the exact words. First off this guy is one big Fuck Nut. Secondly YES IT IS CRAIGS PROBLEM, he is the one with the tickets, he is the one who gave me 4 and didn't explain it, he is the one who hasn't finished the draft before the season started.

Afterwards on Saturday I googled this guy to see what he does for a living. I did not find that, instead I found a court case for him being arrested for drag racing.

Yeah my weekend sucked. It sucked even worse when my grandma, mom, nephew (3 years old), and cousin (5 years old) went to the Twins game only to find Craig forgot to leave them their tickets.

P.S. Sorry SouthernCanadian for not calling back, and no I really wasn't mad at you, in fact good thing you didn't go to the game with us.

P.P.S. Furry may actually have a real date, sorry Arbusto you are too loose for me. I am sure I will have more Furry happenings to report about, God knows I can't have a normal date, even if it is a joke and with Arbusto.

HATE: Charity Organization

2007-04-05T14:46:00.000-07:00

So I could pick an easy choice here and pick one of those annoying police "charities" that call during the holiday times, or I could pick one of those African child starving as they bathe in toxic waste and eat maggots out of rotting tires that you only see on at 1AM on a weekday.

No, no that is not how Furry rolls. Rather Furry likes to pick a charity that everyone can hate...so the Furry chooses (drumroll please) the Red Cross/Crescent/Whatever the hell you call it. Seriously why do I give money to a charity that cannot make up its mind what it wants to do. What does the Red Cross do as a charity does it give blood to drug-addict gunshot victims, does it help people who choose to live in a flood plain with a faulty levee, does it walk into prisoner of war camps to make sure the "rules" of war are obeyed, or do they give shelter to people who burn down their own apartments? Seriously people make up your mind. At least the Salvation Army knows its place and does not infringe on everything. I mean sure you have to put up with annoying undressed Santas outside the store where you buying expensive gifts for your loved ones that really need these gifts.

What really irks me about the Red Cross is they are able to enter Gitmo under the premise that they are upholding the Geneva Conventions, but don't we all know anyone named the Red Crescent is really subverting the government and supplying information and supplies to all of those terrorists that harmed the US by......well we don't know how because they haven't had their trial, but we will know in 15 years when their trial takes place.

I wouldn't mind the Red Cross so much if they didn't help out disaster victims. Don't you think God had the disaster for a reason? You wonder why God isn't smiting anyone, its becaus the Red Cross is ruining his beautiful work. Hurricane Katrina...ruined by the Red Cross, Earthquakes...ruined, city fires....ruined, tornadoes...ruined, Tsunamis.....ruined. LET GOD DO HIS WORK.

So what is this coherent, logical argument ultimately trying to say? The Red Cross is actually trying to destroy the world by keeping the human population at its all time high. So remember the next time they ask you to write your Congressmen about atrocities and torture at prisons in war zones say, "Not me, I am a Patriot." The next time there is a natural disaster say, "No donations from me, I am doing God's work." And finally and most importantly, the next time they ask you to give blood say, "No you cannot have my precious blood, I am trying to save the world."

If you do feel so compelled to give to a charity though try Amanda the Panda. Trust me.

8th Circuit Court throws out the Furry

2007-04-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

So the 8th Circuit US Appellate Court had oral arguments at my law school today. No I didn't get thrown out by the massive US Marshall guarding the door, but I thought I was going to be. See I wasn't thinking about dressing for court this morning. It felt like a normal day at classes, so I wore the normal attire khaki shorts and some sort of shirt. If you don't know shorts are a no-no in court. So I realize this as I get to school. What to do?

I decided to test the waters and see who was entering the room. It wasn't looking good seeing other students all suited up with a tie. I thought well I gave it a shot. Then I saw some with jeans enter in. I decided then to test it out. I neared the door where the huge muscular Marshall was standing and began to enter. He stops me and says, "Excuse me sir....no book bags in the courtroom." Oh okay, I drop off the bag and try the re-entry. I finally enter and take my seat in the back so that the Justices cannot see me. Just in case.

Fast-forward to five minutes before the Justices enter the room, and the same Marshall approaches near me. I began to sweat a little. Turns out the person in front of me had some coffee and no liquids were allowed. Dodged another bullet.

The rest of the time I sat and tried not to draw attention to myself. That was one of the most uncomfortable 2 hours I have endured. At least I didn't look like the idiot in front of me who had on a blue blazer that had some sort of large cheap insignia over the left breast pocket area. Not only did it look cheap, but he had the collar completely up, so basically he looked like a man in his 60s, trying to get on a private yacht, even though he is homeless. He still looked better than me.

How did this day in court end? Oh yeah, the second to last case two gentlemen sat directly next to me. One was clearly a lawyer, the other clearly not a lawyer. I look at the schedule and the only case left deals with a felon who is guilty of several burglaries, including stealing a shot gun. Sure enough when the last case starts, the lawyer takes his position in front of the podium, leaving his client the armed felon sitting next to me. Since, I was taking notes on the lawyers I made sure to only right good things regarding his attorney. With a felon sitting next to me, and a Marshall who I thought had it out for me, I wasn't taking any chances.

HATE: Wildcard.....Musicals

2007-03-29T13:33:00.000-07:00

I cannot stand musicals, you name it, I hate it. Cats: hate, Rent: hate, West Side Story: hate, South Pacific: hate, Grease: hate, Guys and Dolls: hate, Les Mis: hate, [Insert any other musical title]: hate.

In fact there are maybe two I don't hate, but I cannot say with certainty because I have not seem them: Monty Python's Holy Grail and Mel Brooks' The Producers. Mainly because they are so funny and were originally movies it would take an idiot to wreck them. But believe Broadway could find a away and easily.

See my irrational hatred for musicals stems from my minute ability to act. In high school I was in several plays (lead roles), voted best actor out of 2,000 people, and even received a $15,000 scholarship to act at the college I first attended. So sure I wasn't much of an actor but kind of knew what was going on. That coupled with my love for the movies allows me to think (even if it isn't true) that I can tell what is good acting (Gwyneth Paltrow) and what is bad acting (Ben Affleck).

So this brings me back to musicals--THEY ARE FILLED WITH BAD ACTORS. Usually what happens is the singing voice is picked over their ability to act. Thus causing the musical to be complete crap because now you have singers trying to act. This upsets beyond nothing else. How can you have something on stage where there is a story being told, and have no actors on that stage? It is ridiculous. I singled out The Producers and Monty Python because in their original casting they actually had actors rather than singers playing the parts. Sure the singing may not be the greatest but what detracts more from the story a person who you can't follow or believe because their acting is so bad, or someone who might be off pitch or key occasionally? I thought so.

I think there should be a boycott on any musical or play putting singing voice above acting ability when casting. That being said in one of my insomnia filled nights I looked up an old classmate from high school who I haven't heard from ever. He is apparently pretty big in the Dallas musical/opera scene. I would go to his musical, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't HATE it.

What are the Twin Cities coming to?

2007-03-27T00:12:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was driving to get some lunch during break from class. I noticed something smoldering in the road. I just assumed it was a cigarette someone had thrown out (which I hate when people do that, but I digress.) As I drove through it, I realized it was not a cigarette. I turned to B sitting next to me in the car and said, "That wasn't a cigarette was it?" He responded with, "Definitely wasn't." Instead it was as Gregory Hines called it Roman Red, Wacky Weed, or Mighty Joint.

So, so what there was a joint in the middle of an extremely busy road, across from a police station, wafting it's fumes to nearby passers. The best of the weekend was Sunday at McDonalds in a suburb just north of St. Paul. Again during lunch break of classes another friend and I went to a nearby McDos. While eating away my friend pointed out one of the greatest things I have ever seen at a McDos. A man pulled up in a very large probably late 80s Lincoln. He stepped out with a large leather coat the length of a trench coat, boots, and sunglasses. But what really topped off Smokey's outfit (that is what the employees at McDos knew him as, yes they knew him) was the large brown fedora with a feather sticking out of it and the accompanying cane with his outfit. Yes, I think we can all clearly say Smokey was a pimp. And he was looking pimpalicious.

Sadly I could not find any photos of a pimp on google that would do this guy justice.

HATE: NCAA March Madness Nicknames

2007-03-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves March Madness, a bunch of kids playing basketball for free while millions of people spend millions of dollars betting on who screws up the least. Along with March Madness come the crazy announcers shouting god knows what as the seconds tick away and Lebron Jordan shoots a buzzer beater that clangs out of the rim and they lose.

So what can be better than that?

How about the 64 teams nicknames. This year the field has such classics as Long Beach State "Beaches", Southern Illinois "Salukies" (I actually like the sound of that), Oregon "Ducks", Texas A&M CC "Islanders", Tennessee "Volunteers", and the list goes on. Be careful not to upset the Ducks on the Beach of the Islanders as the Salukie chases those damn Volunteers. That just scares the bejesus out of me.

But all of these pail in comparison to the very nickname synonymous with horror, one that strikes fear into any man or woman who even mumbles the name, one whose name causes your ears to bleed if the very name is even mentioned.....

The Penn "Quakers" Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Okay first off we are talking about an Ivy League school. Can they not think of anything better than Quakers? Are they not smarter than that? Or is it because it deals with sports they automatically suck at it? I mean this is the alma mater of Warren Buffet and Donald Trump. Yes I will say it, whoever came up with the "Quaker" nickname, "You're fired!"

So I know all nicknames are not threatening but unless a school called themselves the Mother Theresas, the Ghandis, or the jumping jesuses (how do you make Jesus plural) you could not have picked more pacifying name. Everyone knows Quakers "turn the other cheek". I hope to God that Penn does not have a hockey team. That would just be devastating.

Now I can make fun of them because growing up I went to "meetings". Yes that is Quaker service or in today's terms Society of Friends (apparently Quaker is too old fashion). My Dad is a Quaker. My mom ELCA Lutheran. That meant I spent one week at boring old Lutheran service as my Grandma and I pointed and laughed at people who danced to the music or clapped their hands as the "spirit swayed them", and the next week at meeting.

I was young when going to meetings so let me tell you what I remember about them. We would go to a normal looking house type building with about 20 people there. I would grab a magazine, usually a Zoobook (I loved those) and everyone would sit in a circle. Everyone but me, who was intently reading how fast a Cheetah can run, would be silent and staring at nothing for about 20 minutes. Then out of the blue someone would stand up and say something that either concerned them or that they read in the news. At this point I had moved on to how bats can "see" in pitch black caves. Then after another 10 minutes or so of more silence or someone occasionally saying that they were saddened by the plight of the migrant farmers in Pushatanwali, we would break for cookies, cheese, crackers, and coffee. I would go to some lame Sunday School where we learned how the Quakers were persecuted by the English so they came to the US. Then on the way home we would listen to Casey Kasem's top 40. All in all Quaker service completely ruled Lutheran service. I have never learned so much about animals as I did in meeting. As it turns out I know understand why they were silent, they were meditating, hopefully my page turning didn't upset them.

So remember the Quakers didn't lose to the Aggies (the real Texas A&M in the tournament), they turned the other cheek.

And I know I still have night terrors of hearing Jim Nantz yell, "Here come the Quakers running down the court!"

HATE: Source of Electricity- Wind

2007-03-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

I hate wind energy. It is horrible to think we can use it energize our nation or world. I think the only way to go is the route North Korea and Iran are trying.

This is why I hate wind:

1. I hate when they say we can "harvest wind". Do we have large combines going through the sky to shuck the clouds of wind? NO. Who says the wind is ours anyways? I think the Indians would be pretty pissed if they knew we were stealing the wind. It isn't their wind, it isn't our wind, and it isn't Al Gore's wind. What would happen if I went to a corn field in Iowa and started harvesting corn that wasn't mine? Exactly.

2. In order to create wind energy they put up massive blades of death in random places and fields. If I was50 feet tall I could easily be decapitated. There are no warning signs for this, I think this is a secret plot by all the Davids of the world to kill off the remaining Goliaths. I mean how would you feel if you read in the paper Andre the Giant was killed by a wind turbine chopping off his head?

3. What is going to happen without the wind? Will weather change? Will I be able to fly my kite anymore? I mean seriously without wind how will I cool myself off, perspiration needs a little breeze to work. There won't be any really cold days either because there will be no wind. More importantly how will I be able to hot air balloon. I will get up and won't go anywhere. I think hot air balloonists around the world need to lobby against wind turbines. For that matter glider pilots can join in too.

4. God, Old Man Winter, Mother Nature, Poseiden, Thor, whoever the hell creates the wind will soon be out of breath if we keep stealing it from him/her. I don't think any of those gods or demi-gods would take too kind to that. Thus harvesting wind energy will lead to the wrath of God on us.

As you all see wind energy is a serious problem and that is why this nation needs to use more oil rather than depend on wind. I think more global wars in order to gain more oil are needed.

Yes I am George Costanza

2007-03-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

So this story may be a little...disturbing to some, funny to others, but mostly gross.

The other day I was over at a friend's apartment (don't worry Arbusto, not yours or anyone you know). We were just hanging out, it was him, his girlfriend, and me. I had been over there awhile playing some Madden '07 when I had a sudden urge to use the toilet. Nothing new for me, I have a stomach condition that causes frequent visits to the toilet. It is like my second home. (Not that it matters here but I am an international toilet expert.)

Anyways I am done with business, but I know this is going to be a messy wipe. Yes Mona the toilet paper flap was hanging down or over the top.) So this is where my Georgeness comes through. Sometimes, as gross or environmental as it may be, if I grab too much toilet paper, I will wipe, fold, and wipe again. I don't want to clog the toilet or use tons of paper. Well this time I brought it up just enough to fold, yes I am weird I know this, anyways as I brought it up I apparently had a lot on that piece of toilet paper. Why do I know this? Because as I brought it up a piece of poo....yes poo flew four feet and landed on their bathroom floor.

Now I have a 2 inch piece of poo laying on my friend's bathroom floor. Thank God it was a vinyl floor that I could easily wipe up, make sure it was clean, and walk out like nothing happened.

I guess we are more closely related to chimps than I thought, why else would I be flinging poo.

HATE: City Transportation

2007-03-08T14:47:00.000-08:00

I live in St. Paul a town of roughly 300,000 but with Minneapolis and the surrounding communities you get up over a million. And the public transportation sucks. I live somewhere between 7-12 miles from school. Yet there is no way for me to get to school unless I drive. It is pathetic. Seriously I have two buses that are right near where I live, but the lines go nowhere. I would have to make 3 changes just to get to school. Hell I can't even walk anywhere really because there is a massive hill that I live on, now I am lazy but I wouldn't mind walking up a hill....if THERE WERE FRIGGIN SIDEWALKS. Seriously how can there not be sidewalks on two fairly major roads???

So everyone is waiting for me to compare US cities to European cities, like Paris. Well I won't. Europe is different the cities are closer, more compact. It is easier to have subways, trams, and the such to get around. Hell I can walk 6 miles in Paris and go from Montparnasse in the South to la Grande Arche in the Northeast and feel like nothing. Here I walk 6 miles and I feel like I get nowhere.

Now St. Paul does have a "light rail" basically a subway just above ground. It is great for me, I have to drive to it, but it take me into Minneapolis (I hate driving in Minneapolis). Other than that though, the light rail goes nowhere. It is worthless for most. I love that once the decide to put in public transportation like the light rail, it goes nowhere much like the buses near me.

I hate driving 8 miles or whatever to get to school for no real reason, why the hell can't we have public transportation? I HATE US public transportation. I am surprised I don't have to fly just to get to school.

Thank you Arbusto

2007-03-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

Yes I am thanking Arbusto as much as it pains me. Twice even. One is a real genuine thank you, and the other is a sarcastic son of a bitch thank you.

Genuine: As Arbusto so aptly pointed out....I forgot my wallet. Normally not a horrible thing, just a pain in the ass. Well this day I was in court suing American Airlines, which I won because the cowards did not show, and I had to park in a parking ramp in downtown St. Paul. Not having money, atm, or credit card and parking in a ramp is not a good combination. Thankfully Arbusto was kind enough to stop chaffing his palm, put on clothes, and drive down to St. Paul. Not only that he loaned me money. Yay Arbusto, but I still like Leela better. The exchange was funny because we were right across from the courthouse where there are a ton of police and Arbusto pulls up in the little drop-off area by the hotel where I was parked. He rolled down his window, I leaned in, he handed me money, and then he drove off. Yes it was exactly like a drug deal went down.

Sarcastic: Thank you Arbusto for the other day in class. We were in our acting for lawyers class (the fancy name is forensic oratory, learning how to speak, but basically it is acting for lawyers), and we were playing an improv game, think Whose Line Is It Anyways.

A: (Approaches B with imaginary box/present)
B: Thank you very much A for this present, what is it?
A: It is a _________
B: Thank you A for this _______. It is the best ______ I have ever had because __________.

So we were supposed to choose our present based off of what the person ahead of us had chosen. First I will do the group before Arbusto's group then his group.

B: Thank you very much A for this present, what is it?
A: It is a Kiwi.
B: Thank you A for this Kiwi. It is the best Kiwi I have ever had because it is so furry.

New B: Thank you very much Arbusto for this present, what is it?
Arbusto: It is.....(yes he put my name here, no no one in class knew my nickname was "Furry", although it was a little embarassing, didn't crack the top ten most embarassing moments in Furry history).

So thank you Arbusto for using my nickname in class when no one knows why you call me Furry. I hate you.

Photo Time: Blizzards and French Family

2007-03-02T22:59:00.000-08:00

So I became a little less lazy being snowed in and decided to post some pics I finally downloaded to my computer so here you go...

This is what nearly 2 feet of snow (in less than a week) looks like from outside my patio door:

And this is the French host family I stayed with. Sorry they all kind of look creepy in the photos but they were taken at 3AM on Christmas eve after a party where we all drank and ate too much. From left to right: Brother of the host that I didn't meet till that day but who insisted on being in the photos; the host who teaches 17th century French lit at the Harvard of France; the middle daughter who is dating a French Polynesian prince; oldest daughter who became really bitchy the last few weeks because she was trying to stop smoking; and finally the youngest daughter who was extremely hot and would unknowingly flaunt it by wearing small night gowns around the house and talk to me. No she wasn't flirting she was really just that naive. She also puked 15 minutes after the photo because she ate too much at the party, she was at it for quite awhile too. I knew because my room was adjacent to the bathroom, and it wasn't a silent hurl.

LATE HATE

2007-03-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry this is getting up so late....I just got lazy today. This week is a WILD CARD. As the Busto explains we won't do this too much.

My HATE for this week is: Mandatory Attendance in Class

I hate attending classes because I am forced to attend them. What is the point of mandatory attendance? I look at it as a free open market that should not be altered by controlling forces such as mandatory attendance rules. Let me exlpain:

Different people feel differently about different classes and different people learn differently in different classes. There are some classes that I don't have to read for and understand most everything, and other classes I read 3 times and still have no idea what the hell is going on. This goes for attendance too.

If a person does not want to go to class he/she shouldn't have to go to class. There are always choices as to why they may not want to go, and there are consequences. For some people the consequences are not outweighed by the benefit of not attending so they don't attend, others the balance shifts the other way so they do go. But this is my point, let the people decide.

If someone does not go to class they are not going to hear the class lecture, discussion, and questions that my be brought up. That is their loss and they know this ahead of time. Sometimes though the material is so redundant, boring, or non-informative that these people not attending will not miss anything. IT IS THEIR CHOICE....LET THEM MAKE IT.

Some might argue that mandatory attendance is to make sure everyone has a decent shot of passing. WHO CARES!!! If they don't ever go to class, don't know the material, don't know what the prof wants, and then proceeds to fail, it is the choice they made. They knew that going into the test.

On the other hand there are people like my best friend back home that is so smart that he didn't attend any classes in his advanced math class (he was a math major) and aced the test; in addition, he had made a deal with the prof (since he hadn't done any of the homework) that if he aced it he would pass the class, if not he would fail. Voila, as I already said he aced it so he passed.

There are some classes that people will sleep through (I do this, although less and less this year). How is mandatory attendance helping here? Now you just have a body in the class that might occasionally snore, instead of an empty chair. THEY END UP BEING THE SAME THING. Furthermore, if a prof wants people attend all they have to do is MAKE THE FRIGGIN CLASS MORE INTERESTING. I don't want to have to listen to some monotone voice read back to me what is on the page of the text of the assigned reading. If I didn't read it the first time, why would I want to listen to it read back to me a second time???? (Or just listen/read it a second time for all of those overachievers that actually do the reading assignments).

It just isn't necessary for everyone to attend class. It is a Shitty rule that I HATE.

Let the people make their own decisions. If they fail they fail, if they miss out on interesting discussion they miss out, if they Ace the test write a harder test. Besides most people don't even listen anyways they are busy surfing the net or playing online poker in class anyways. Hell last year I watched part of the NCAA basketball tourney in class.

Mandatory attendance is a stupid ass rule that should be abolished, along with Arbusto, he too should be abolished.

HATE: Personal Hygiene...."Metrosexuals"

2007-02-22T09:58:00.000-08:00

Metrosexuals

As entertaining as "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was, they pissed me off. They ruined men all over this blessed country. Seriously. In fact not only that, but I can make an argument that "Queer Eye" has even helped ruin our economy. Yes the economy. So hear my rant.

Let me list what a guy has to think about to be a metrosexual: lotion on body, hair conditioner AND shampoo, whiten teeth, pluck eyebrows, facial conditioners and masks, lip balm, manicures, pedicures, shaving/waxing unwanted hair, dyed and styled haircuts, and shit I don't even understand like spray-on tans. What the FUCK people???? Holy crap that is way too much.

Here is what a guy should do when he wakes up: piss/poop, shower using one shampoo and one body wash (if you have time), brush your teeth, deodorant, and shave if needed (see Arbusto's blog). That is it, no more no less. What else does a guy really need to do?

How does this ruin the economy? How much friggin time does it take to pluck eyebrows, wax a back, use a facial mask? Instead a CEO could be closing a deal, or you could be watching a baseball game, drinking a beer, eating a hot dog, and pissing in the troff at the Metrodome like any normal guy should be doing.

Why the hell would any man want to do all of that shit to his body? There is no reason. I guess some will say women. Well yeah there is that but 20, 30, 40 years ago and more guys didn't do this crap to themselves. This will pass like the fad it is, just like jean jackets, bell bottoms, and Zubas (you know MC Hammer pants).

HATE: A Thursday Event

2007-02-15T11:34:00.000-08:00

A brief introductory note...

Voila, Arbusto and I (and whoever else wants to join the Hate roll) have decided to plan a weekly event on every Thursday that catalogs what we "hate" (more like dislike strongly or have a feud with) in categories. For instance: what tree I hate the most? What holiday I hate the most? What country I hate the most? What blogger named Arbusto I hate the most? The rules are kind of loose.

THERE ARE SOME RULES HOWEVER

We do realize that there are some really stupid, ignorant, idiotic people out there so we need to clarify what we are doing. We are doing this purely out of fun. Who doesn't like to vent now and then? At no times will any of these posts be racist or extremely hurtful. We are not doing this to become a hate group or gang, we are doing this purely for laughs. We only use the word "hate" because we got a good catchy acronym for the title of our event. That does not mean we will shy away from people because sometimes people are just downright stupid...I think the best example right now might be pantyless wonder of mothering Britney Spears. Which also brings up another point, at NO point will a "HATE post" be targeted towards an individual UNLESS that person is a celebrity and being stupid, or the person is not mentioned by name and it is not a true hate but more of an arch rival/nemesis disliking. In fact most of the things we will be posting we do not hate at all but it is what we dislike the most in that category. Each week will be a different subject. NO repeats!

Some banned categories:
Race
Sexuality
Nationality (unless purely satirical like a Swede posting about a Norwegian...damn those Norwegians)
Others to come....

End Introduction and begin the fun! Welcome and enjoy. Spread the love, join in!

Arbusto and I have decided to do the same category this week to start this thing off, so without further ado here is my hate....

And in the category of bathrooms the nominee is: Bathrooms in France
And the winner goes to: Bathrooms in France (please hold your applause till after the post)

Okay so I hate bathrooms in France. There are several reasons too. The first being the whole concept of going to the bathroom there. Let me tell you this important detail to better help you understand, I poop a lot. Not just a lot, an enormous amount. This means several times a day. So when in France it is difficult. Why? Because they don't really have the concept of the PUBLIC toilet over there. If I am walking down a street in Paris and need to take a crap, I am screwed. If you enter into a restaurant they very rarely just let you use the bathroom, normally you have to be a customer. That goes for all businesses in fact. Unlike here in the great US where I can basically go into most places and use the bathroom, there it is almost if it is taboo to use another person's bathroom. One time in an emergency I had to beg to use the bathroom. GOOD GOD people this is the fucking 21st century where no man should have to BEG to use the fucking bathroom.
On the off chance the business let's you use their bathroom you are faced with another situation, especially when you need to....drop the kids off at the pool, if you catch my drift. It is one of the most hated "inventions" in the world. It is called the Turkish Toilet (sorry Turkish people I actually really like you it is just the name of the toilet). I want the man who created it shot, hung, electrocuted, poisoned, tarred and feathered, and drawn and quartered all at the same time. Seriously who things having a porcelain place to STAND and SQUAT into a small hole in the floor was a good idea? Is that the same guy who decided New Coke was a good idea? Here is a pic of one, the ridges are where you put your feet.

Isn't that the prettiest thing you have seen? It is especially great on those days where you have the beer shits. Yes, that is not fun. I HATE Turkish toilets. You are screwed too if you have week legs, might as well and not even try then.
Finally my last hate about bathrooms in France is the toilet paper. Apparently they think sandpaper against the ass crack is a good thing. Wow couldn't agree more you cheese eating bastards (I actually like the French they just piss me off on this issue). Not only is it sandpaper but more often than not it is the square single tissue type. WHAT GOOD IS THAT??? Who can use one sheet of single ply sandpaper to clean anything up?
One last note, when I had my externship at the law firm in Paris I experienced something that compared to utility with the Turkish Toilet...a square toilet seat. No your eyes did not deceive you I said a SQUARE fucking TOILET SEAT. Who the fuck has a square ass? Unless there is some race of Lego people that I do not know about people have rounded shape buttocks, NOT SQUARE. Holy god was that uncomfortable. I think that person should just be forced to sit on his own invention for hours on end. And who was the brilliant genius at the law firm who decided to install that??? I know lawyers bullshit all of the time but apparently it all comes out their mouth and they don't have to use the square fucking toilet seat.

Well that is enough for now.

KUDOS TO ME NOT ONLY AM I STARTING THIS WEEKLY EVENT, IT IS POST NUMBER 50 FOR ME. I would like to thank Blogger, Arbusto, my laptop, all those little people that made this possible, Mona, Southern Canadian, Toucan Sam, am I forgetting anyone?

Sparks are a flying

2007-02-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

So I thought that would be a clever title for Valentine's Day. No I have no romantic interest, c'mon don't you know me by now? Not going to happen. Actually the title is literal rather than figurative. The other day in class my professor hit an electrical box with his shoe and sparks went flying all over the room. It was actually pretty cool because the sparks were pretty colorful and jumped about 3 feet in the air. My professor was pissed, not because he nearly got burned, but because he didn't get burned...he was wanting worker's comp.

So I have been to yet another doctor (number 4 now) about my kidneys. Each one gets progressively more confused. I give up, I guess I am just going to keep having these weird searing pains in my kidney...yay.

BIG EVENT PLANNED FOR THURSDAY ON MY BLOG AND ON ARBUSTO'S BLOG.

What a great week I have had!!!

2007-02-07T20:17:00.000-08:00

My week began, of course, with my beloved Chicago Bears losing the Super Bowl. It hurt. It didn't help that at my Super Bowl party my uncle was rubbing it in that my team lost. I did have a great spread of food though.

Tuesday:

Went to the podiatrist (foot doctor). At first he gave me a bunch of different options including a slew of evasive surgeries that would keep me off my feet for 4 months at a minimum. Joy. It was odd though because my normal podiatrist had never mentioned these surgeries before.

So the podiatrist on Tuesday ordered for some x-rays and an ultrasound that can only be done by one radiologist in the Twin Cities. He read the X-rays. He was speechless. He didn't know what to make of my foot and said I was his most unusual case. Normally people would be worried to hear this, I was actually reassured. All of my podiatrists have said this, and it worried me when this guy thought he could diagnose me right away; boy was he wrong. Completely wrong. In fact he was going to share my case with colleagues at their weekly dinner where they share their "unique" cases.

So I am back to square 1 with my feet, no one knows what to do with them because they have never seen anything like them.

Wednesday:

Oh how I loved today. I spent 4 hours in the ER. Specifically 4AM-8AM. I woke up in pain at 3:30AM, severe pain. I had the same pain as I did when I had my kidney stone in August. I assumed I had another kidney stone. I woke up my sister-in-law and her parents (my brother was gone on business), so she and her dad took me to the hospital.

At the hospital they gave me 8mg of morphine pretty quickly. It didn't really help. Another nurse came in to try and do something for the pain and didn't believe I had already received 8mg of morphine, so he went and confirmed with the other nurse and doc. They confirmed it including the doc saying, "well he is a big boy". Thanks doc. They then gave me more morphine.

Well the verdict was it wasn't a kidney stone...nor appendicitis, infection, muscle spasm...etc. In fact they had no idea, especially when the pain got worse, the worse it had ever been. They then gave me percoset (sp?) and eventually released me. They have no idea what I had, and said I had "abdominal pain" in the release sheet, yet oddly enough the only pain I had was in my kidney.

Can I just get my own MASH unit or personal ER team to follow me around?

God it is only Wednesday, what will the rest of the week bring me?

Conan vs Serena

2007-02-01T22:09:00.000-08:00

So I just watched Conan O'Brien take on Serena Williams, 2007 Australian Open winner, in Wii Tennis. It was hilarious. Somehow Conan won. I am not sure what was scarier...how much I enjoyed this, or Conan in a tight white shirt with even tighter short shorts and yes Conan's pasty white skin matched his outfit.

Line of the week:
I was on the phone with someone who I haven't talked to much since I have been back.

Me: Hey

B: Hey

blah blah blah

B: Oh yeah my girlfriend wants to know if you had fun when you were abroad.

Me: What? I haven't been "abroad"...I have always been a dude.

Yes, I am that bad.

Sorry I have been lazy

2007-01-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

So this will be a hodgepodge of a post because I have a few things to say since I last posted. Also as the above title suggests, I have no real reason why I haven't posted other than I was just lazy. Now that Mona is back though I figured I better post before I am guilted into posting.

Last Saturday

I went out to a bar with a couple of friends...it was extremely disappointing. First off it wasn't the friends, they are great, it was the crappy bar. The bar was set in a suburb, in an industrial park, miles from anything. A great recipe for success. So there were a handful of people there at this massive restaurant/bar, probably about 15-20. In this massive bar of 15-20 was a dance floor about the size of Rhode Island. And there was a crappy DJ.

So out of the 15-20 people was a group of 4. These 4 people were at least 45 if not 50 and the only ones using the dance floor. Normally when older people dance you think slow dancing etc, maybe some twisting or something. Not these people. No. These people were bumping, grinding, etc. One really stood out. She was pretty ugly, wore glasses, and had a sequined shirt. We called her "Sparkles". Sparkles was really getting into it. She even at one point went all the way down to the floor with her 50 year old dance partner. The male dance partner then went on all fours down on the floor, stuck his ass in the air, and then proceeded to be SPANKED by Sparkles. It was amusing at first, and then I realized what was going on and was extremely disturbed.

The night ended with the Asian waitress, who wasn't even our waitress, and who some might think as cute, started to feel up my leg. It felt weird, partly because I am not used to contact, but mostly because it was just strange.

Grocery Shopping

Why is it that I will only shop for groceries at midnight or later? Seriously the other day, a Wednesday, I went shopping at 1AM...who the hell else shops at 1 in the morning? It isn't like I go on shopping binges at 1, I just make a list and like to do it late at night. I guess because I don't have to maneuver around aisles filled with aimless people. The only problem is the meat counter isn't open.

Super Bowl

Throwing a Super Bowl party for the soon to be WORLD CHAMPION CHICAGO BEARS. Not too big of a party probably 5-7 people, I really don't know how to throw a party...I am not a big party guy. What I do know is food, and we will be having plenty of food, I guarantee that. So far we will be having Chex Mix, shrimp, baguette with herbed garlic cheese, brisket, deviled eggs, Swedish oatmeal cookies, chips and dip, and plenty of beer. I am not sure what else but will be adding to the menu.

Photos

So below are a few photos from France. I am still waiting for the photos of when we had the goodbye party in my class, but these were sent to me. I can show you some of the people I hung out with in Paris.

So the girl smiling girl to the left on top is Reunion. Yep the same one who told me all about her sex life and even bought a dildo/vibrator with me helping her buy it. I kind of miss her. The guy in the orange sweater sniffing the other girls hair was the only other guy in the class with me. He is normal..most of the time. I have no idea who the other girl is.

Another photo...most look drunk and probably are. The girl in the top right was in a photo shoot in a magazine similar to Vogue. No not as a model but had several photos in an article about decorating her apartment. And there is Reunion again looking thoughtful, but don't worry she isn't.

KUDOS/ FELICITATIONS CHICAGO BEARS...NFC CHAMPIONS!!!!!

2007-01-21T21:43:00.000-08:00

(AP photo Alex Brandon)

21 years later the Bears are going to the Super Bowl again. Here we come Super Bowl XLI (41 for Roman numeral impaired).

I am tempted to go down to South Beach and stay with my brother in Orlando...but I have this law school thing that I need to really pay attention to, so I will stay here and watch the game. I cannot express though how happy I am, after the game I had such a huge smile on my face for such a long time.

Thank you Bears, now finish the job and win Super Bowl XLI and make Manning cry and wish he never beat the Pats.

GRtErrible

2007-01-19T04:23:00.000-08:00

First off getting up at 6:30AM after a night full of horrible sleep sucks, especially when you don't have to get up for anything because it is your weekend.

Anyways, a week after I returned from France I had to take the GRE. I was thinking of grad school after law school (basically because I don't want to find a job) and needed to meet the application deadlines. So I am taking a test that tests one's knowledge of English, math, and writing ability after spending 4 months of ONLY speaking French and still being jet-lagged. Only good results could come from this.

It began with the writing portion, which I nailed. Now normally I am a decent writer, but this time was great because they were asking me to write on a topic I had just got done studying in France: models of communication. I thought those classes in France were a joke, and still think that, but it at least helped me there.

Then came this insane multiple choice of vocabulary words I had never even heard of before in my half-sleepy/half-French speaking state of mind to which I was supposed to find the synonym of....yeah like that was going to happen.

That section was followed by math, math that I had not studied since I was a 10th grader and sure has hell wasn't going to remember unless it was asking for the translation of a Descartien principle. Oddly enough had the math section been on either Calculus or Game Theory I think I would have done better (not being facetious here either I remember more Calculus and Game Theory than I do geometry or quadratic formulas).

So yesterday I got results back. It made me flashback to my ACT taking days (Midwest boy and from Iowa so had to take the ACT rather than the SAT). The first time I took the ACT I did poorly overall because I bombed the English section. I retook it. The second time I did poorly again, but this time I had nailed the English section but bombed the math section. A complete reversal of my previous time exactly...it was uncanny I had the same exact scores just flipflopped in the categories. Finally the third time I put those two together and nailed the test. The only problem was I had raised my score so much that it raised suspicion by the graders. Had my high school counselor not known me personally they would have had to investigate the test and possibly asked me to retake the stupid test again. Apparently a 5 point raise is pretty significant.

So my results for the GRE, which I actually found quite hysterical: verbal 60%...shitty, quantitative 49%....even more shitty. Now at this point I should say that the writing is graded out of a scale of 6 points and allows for half points to be given so 3, 3.5, 4, etc. What did I receive? A 6. Meaning I was in the 96%. So when I am tired and thinking in French I have no English vocabulary, no English reading comprehension, no math skills whatsoever, but can write a damn good essay.

Waving the White Flag...I give up

2007-01-16T21:33:00.000-08:00

So I have given up, I surrender, wave the white flag, whatever. After the last fiasco with dating, I have given up on internet dating and dating in general. I have no prospects, none in the wings, none on the horizon, none in the next universe.

I spent 3 years on Eharmony with a total of 3 dates...one a year. I did Match for awhile too, nothing. I give up. I am quite possibly the worlds worst dater.

So yeah all of the throngs of women trying to throw themselves at me, sorry I am taking a break. Most likely a 5-10 year break, if I am lucky a 30 year break. By lucky I mean for all of those that had to go or might have to go through with dating me. Sorry.

It's Snowing!!!

2007-01-14T21:46:00.000-08:00

I am happy it is snowing, and we will have anywhere from 4-8 inches tomorrow. Yay!!!

I also think I gave myself a slight concussion tonight. How you ask? Well I was doing the backstroke in the pool and completely misjudged where the wall was. Yes I am an idiot no need to point that out. I hit pretty hard. It is only a slight one, and I am kind of an expert on them. I have actually lost count what number of concussion this would be, but somewhere between 5-8.

I have had concussion while:
plyaing basketball
playing football
hot air ballooning
swimming
whiffle ball
the list goes on

No you are not seeing things I have received a concussion while playing whiffle ball. Then 4 months later I had another one while attending Wabash College and was a pledge for Kappa Sigma Fraternity. I was running to get the pledge phone (a phone the pledges had to answer quickly) and hit a puddle of water, slipped, went horizontal, and landed on my head. I was unconscious for a few moments, but I kept chewing the piece of roll in my mouth. Later that night my brother called me and asked how I was. I said my head hurt but didn't know why and he asked what happened. I didn't remember, but my roommate was still in the room then and said I had a concussion. So we went to the ER. I began singing the school fight and hitting on the nurses because by then I was just plain loopy. The ER let me go after getting a CAT Scan.

That night the brothers observed me while I slept, like the ER orders you to and everything was fine. The next day everything was fine until I watched Fight Club with some other guys. I got really tired during it and went to my room. I fell asleep in a chair and then starting convulsing. Everything was very clear to me but I couldn't move, speak, or really do anything at all. All of the fraternity brothers were busy watching the VMA awards (2000 the year Brittney wore next to nothing and was still hot) but finally one saw me convulsing. Thankfully there were 3 EMTs in the fraternity that tried waking me, doing sternal taps, running cold water over me, etc. Nothing worked. I was still unable to respond even though I was completely aware of everything going on. Finally they called the hospital for an ambulance. When the EMTs with the ambulance came they tried some other things that didn't work and finally gave me a nasal pharangy to open up my airway in case I swallowed my tongue. It was a very very large tube shoved up your nostril and that did it. I finally came to. They took me to the hospital and ran a battery of tests and found out that the last concussion I had plus this one had compounded into a sever concussion and caused the "post-concussion syndrome" that I was suffering. I was released after a day of examinations.

The kicker, after I was released I went to class on Friday and asked my chem prof for an extension for the test we were having on Monday. He said, "nope." I took the test, called my parents, dropped out that night and left for home. Started up at Olaf the next semester.

Wow I suck at dating

2007-01-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

So I went on a date tonight. It was someone I met through the internet. She seemed nice enough, liked sports (play and watch), going to chiropractic school, etc. So overall seemed fine, and her photo was pretty good too. But it was a photo of her face, and as mean as this sounds, it was for a reason.

She had a decent face but a pretty massive base. I thought okay, it won't be so bad maybe she is really nice. Not really. The conversation was strained at best and the only good thing about the date was the restaurant. I had two very large glasses of wine, the food came out in 5-10 minutes after we ordered, and the whole date took less than an hour, even though it was a pretty nice/kind of fancy restaurant.

All I really want is a date with someone who is nice, can hold a conversation, and is maybe quasi-attractive. I would just settle for one date right now to ask for anything more would just be greedy, with the current streak/luck I am having in the dating game.

It looks awful, it looks like Wisconsin

2007-01-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

That was a quote from Nelson today on one of the episodes of The Simpsons that I watched. It is such a great line. I really don't like Wisconsin, bascially because the Packers are from there, but there are other reasons too. Such as my brother witnessing one male rape another male then having to tell the male that was raped that he got raped because said male was passed out drunk. Have to love fraternities (more on fraternities in a later post, my experience didn't go to well with them).

Anyways back to Wisconsin for no real reason I don't like the state, I don't hate it, just some weird sense of disliking towards it much like my irrational disliking of Costa Rica. So I guess in the ever ironical world I live in, the only girls with whom I have gone on dates with have been from Wisconsin. This also includes the girl I am going on a date with this Saturday.

Yep this Saturday Furry is going on a date. I am taking her out to dinner because I "lost" a bet. I bet that the Bears would be the Pack in week 17 and even gave her 7 points. She still feels bad that she won. I am torn I am glad I get to take her out, yet my hatred for the Packers won't let me take joy in the fact that they brought me something good.

So the last girl I dated left me because I went to slow. This included after the first date when we were leaving I was standing at her car saying goodbye and she had to initiate a hug because I had no idea what to do. On the second date we cuddled up and watched a movie, well half through the movie I asked her if I could put my arm around her, then we cuddled, then I did nothing else. No kiss. The third date she demanded a kiss, it went horribly bad, she broke it off. I don't blame her, I blame my ex-girlfriend who completely ruined any sense with what I am supposed to do with a girl. With the ex we began way too fast yet with boundaries and then after 3 months with the same boundaries still in place she goes off and fucks some random guy.

So that brings me to what the hell am I supposed to do or expect after this date? I know most people will say just do what feels right, but I am trying to explain that I have no idea what feels right. I am completely lost. Any hints/tips/suggestions? The Furry would appreciate any advice. And no Mona I am not taking her out to an expensive steak dinner.

Florida and Flashbacks

2007-01-06T23:17:00.000-08:00

Florida

Well I just got back from sunny and 80 while spending time on Daytona Beach. The main purpose of the trip was to see my new nephew (one month old). He is pretty small but with lots of long hair, and he was really good natured. So even though it was 80, I don't hate Florida as much because my nephew is now there. I was happy when I got back because it was 40.

Seinfeld Moment at Florida:
(Also my favorite Seinfeld speech)

George: I'm a marine biologist.
George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli.
George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment I was a marine biologist!
...
George: I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Then from out of nowhere a huge tidal wave lifted. Tossed like a cork, I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction!
(George pulls out of the inside pocket a golf ball)
(Jerry and George just stare at Kramer)
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one, eh?

So what does this have to do with me and Florida? Well while I was at the condo I looked down on the beach and saw a man hitting golf balls from the beach into the ocean. "The sea was angry that day my friends"

Flashback Moment from College:

While in college I took a road trip to Chicago and stayed at a really cheap Motel 8 while I was there. There were two notable moments on that trip, both of which took place at the hotel.
1. While checking-in I witnessed a 290lb man in ragged sweatpants and apparently hadn't shaved in the past 3 years. He looked around the lobby and then asked the clerk, "Where's the champagne vending machine?"

I will not explain the mulitple problems in that question.

2. At about 2 AM we were watching a horrible movie called Diplomatic Siege. The best part of the movie was this quote (discussing a strategy on how to disarm an atomic bomb this is from one of the Generals), "And then they would make a fast move...(long pause) or they could make it slower."

Okay so you really need to hear the quote in context and while watching this horrible movie, but believe me the quote is hilarious.

Monday

Monday I get to hear from my podiatrist that I have arthritis in my feet, oh joy I can barely wait.

Translation and a Date

2007-01-02T05:18:00.000-08:00

So two posts ago I had a paragraph in French. I wasn't going to translate it, but why the hell not, so here it goes:

3 days!!! 3 days until I can hold you in my arms...3 days until I can whisper sweet nothings to you...3 days until I can caress your breasts...3 days until I can laugh about everything with you and until I can hear your opinions...3 days until I can penetrate you with my erect cock that is red with envy...3 days until we can (not sure too lazy to look it up)...3 days until we can open our presents...until then I hurt...I love you (and not just since 3 days)

So yeah...not what I wanted to find of my computer screen when I got back from Rennes.

I have a date

Yep the Furry has a date. When I get back from Florida I have a date set up. This is my first date in well over a year. No need to tell me how pathetic I am, I already know. Let me re-emphasize that this is my first date in a year, not kiss (3 years), sex (we won't get into that), girlfriend or consecutive dates with someone (won't get into that either). I am sure something will happen to me, in fact I may worry if nothing does. And while Mona may feel like Jerry, I am still definitely George. I am pretty sure though if she asks me to come to her place for "coffee" I won't turn it down this time....yes I have turned it down before (different girl), yes I am an idiot.

They always die in 3s

2006-12-31T07:09:00.000-08:00

So I have a theory that celebreties always die in groups of 3. Okay so it isn't my theory, I heard it on the radio when I was a wee little lad, but I like it. Case in point: Saddam, Ford, James Brown.

I hate Florida

Sorry I haven't been posting lately. I just got back though and have been busy, and now I head off to stupid Florida for a week. I have to go because my brother and his brand son are there. It doesn't lessen my hatred for Florida though.

I love Rennes

2006-12-23T12:51:00.000-08:00

So I went to Bretagne for two days, more specifically Rennes. It is the part of France that juts out into the ocean near England. Basically a peninsula, but sideways. Anyways it is where I studied four years ago. I went and saw my old host family, who are the best people in the world. They haven't really changed, are incredibly inviting, and just so damn nice. I also walked around Rennes, which made me happy because it brought the Christmas spirit back in me. In Paris, excluding the Champs Elysee, there is no hint of Christmas really. Hardly any lights or trees. In Rennes Christmas is everywhere. All the streets are lit up, trees and decorations everywhere, and a great Christmas market. The host family's house smelled of pine too. The only way I can describe Bretagne is like Maine but instead of massive forests in the middle it is all farmland like Iowa. So Maine on the coast with a little bit of Iowa in the center. That is probably why I love it.

When I got back to Paris what did I find on my computer screen? Well first I let one of the host daughters use my comp while I was gone. She is going to the US the same day as I am to spend some time with her boyfriend who is there teaching. So for all of those who speak French here go, for those that don't...sorry:

trois jours !!!! trois jours avant de te prendre dans mes bras... trois
jours avant de te dire des mots dans le cou... trois jours avant de te
petrire les seins... trois jours avant de rigoler avec toi du monde et de
ses perspectives... trois jours avant de te penetrer de mon sexe gonflé et
rouge d'envie... trois jours avant de t'entendre jouir... trois jours avant
d'ouvrir nos cadeaux...trois jours à tenir je vais avoir du mal... je
t'aime. (et pas depuis trois jours)

So...yeah.

As for me 1 day and I am home...fog and weather permitting.

Little Red Riding Hood 2: Crappy Disney

2006-12-21T22:22:00.000-08:00

So I blame Disney. Who else can explain why my version of Little Red Riding Hood is so messed up. In class in Paris I learned in the original version not only does Little Red Riding Hood's Grandma get eaten but so does LRRH!! This was shocking news to me. Not quite like finding out Santa isn't real (I was one of the last people in my school to figure this out too) but still ranks up there.

So my version of LRRH: First off LRRH doesn't listen to the lumbejack's ("woodcutter") warning not to take that route to the house. This is important for two reasons. 1. It means that she ignores the woodcutter and does it anyways. 2. It means she doesn't talk to the Wolf in the beginning but the Wolf overhears LRRH and Woodcutter's conversation.

Next in my Disney GGGG+ rating version the damn Wolf doesn't eat the Grandma but puts her in a closet or something. If he ate Grandma then wouldn't LRRH have been asking such things as, "My what large bones you have stuck in your teeth?" or "My what blood spattered face you have?" or my personal favorite, "Is that pubic hair stuck in your teeth Grandma?"

Finally the worst part of it all is LRRH doesn't get eaten either. Instead she runs out with the Wolf following her and low and behold there is the Woodcutter to save the day and kill the Wolf. Then Grandma and LRRH share the picnic that LRRH was bringing her.

So there you have it. It is not like my parents protected me from the violence of the story. I read many violent stories when I was young, played violent games, and watched violent cartoons (I am really desensitized to violence at this point in my life). I even remember my first rated "R" movie was Diehard. I know there are worse but Diehard has to rank up there as a worst overall rated "R" movie to see first due to violence, blood, and language. Yippee Kiya Mother Fucker. (I am not saying Diehard is a bad movie, on the contrary I think it is great, I am saying as a first rated "R" movie it pretty much contains everything but nudity and sex).

Here are some other versions that I heard in class. Grandma gets eaten but not LRRH. Grandma doesn't get eaten. Grandma gets eaten and they kill the Wolf. They both get eaten but the Wolf gets killed anyways. They kill the wolf after both have been eaten and then fill his stomach up with stones? (SC you read some pretty weird versions, but not the weirdest). And my all time favorite version...They both get eaten but the Woodcutter kills the Wolf then cuts open his stomach and Grandma and LRRH are in there alive and kicking. They then fill up the stomach of the Wolf with stones, sew him back together and I think either throw him into a river or keep him as a statue. Can't remember.

So there you have it. Don't even get me started on the moral of the story. My professor started spouting off about how it was really meant to be about incest and pedophile. I lost interest and didn't understand him at that point, so can't give an accurate account of that.

3 DAYS AND I WILL BE HOME

Unless this happens (yes I have to pass through London).

I spent 2 hours in class that I am receiving law school credit for talking about Little Red Riding Hood

2006-12-19T13:22:00.000-08:00

First a rant: As you have probably seen over the past months I am a hateful person. Actually I just use the word liberally in the sense not as strong a definition as some people attach it. So to add to the list of things I "hate": Americans in Paris.

Americans in Paris are easy to find. They are loud. This isn't a stereotype they are always loud. (I don't count anymore, I am officially off the list this time because I am travelling alone and have specifically not met any Americans here, other then when my aunt visited, but she actually lives in Martinique, which is French.) They are not only loud but also rude and disrespectful. Before I explain I want to clarify that I don't expect someone to conform to the culture of the country they are in, in fact I refuse to do that, but I do expect them to respect it.

The best example of this is on the Metro. Americans can always be found on the Metro by voice alone. It is incredible. The Metro in France is a 10 minute period of time for the French to escape the busy life in Paris and get lost in their books. It is nearly impossible to do this when a group of (usually young but not always) Americans are yelling about who threw-up where, who ended up in bed with who, or who passed out in the gutter last night.

The All-Time Example though was a few years ago at Versailles (the palace the Sun God Louis XIV built, sorry if you learned something). I was showing a few friends around when a group of Texans were heard from yards away. The gardens at Versailles are vast, so the fact that the Texans had Walkie-Talkies was not surprising, what was surprising was when they YELLED into them, even with people standing right by them. The best quote from their shout fests, "I can't hear Ye!" Yes he said "ye". Who the hell uses "Ye" anymore?

I can't believe I am getting law school credits for talking about Little Red Riding Hood

In other news today in class I spent two hours learning different versions of Little Red Riding Hood. I will go into more details later, but want to pose a few question to the 5 people that read my blog. In the version you remember from your childhood....
Is it a hunter or a lumberjack that makes an appearance?
Does the grandmother get eaten?
Does Little Red Riding Hood get eaten?
How does the very end happen?

It's official I am Time magazine's Man of the Year

2006-12-17T06:01:00.000-08:00

The cat is out of the bag, we all knew it would happen sooner or later, I am officialy Time Magazine's Person of the Year. I get to join the ranks of Hitler (1938), Miss Wallis Warfield Simpson (1936), the Hungarian Freedom Fighter (1956), and Twenty-five and Under (1966).

In accepting this award it means I must return to the US, which I will be doing in 8 days, or on Christmas. Hell the BBC even thought about interviewing me about this. I was stopped on the street yesterday by a reporter who asked if I spoke English (this was great because he thought I was French). He said he was from the BBC doing interviews (he had all of the official equipment, etc and looked quite funny standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk). I said that I could speak a little. He then asked where I was from and after telling him he said he needed French people.

X-Mas Presents

So my family plays a game each year at Christmas, a game that I love. My mom's side of the family gather and instead of buying presents for everyone we each buy one "good gift" and one "bad gift". We then get in a big circle with the presents wrapped in the middle. The oldest person goes first and chooses a present and unwraps it. We then draw a name to see who goes next. That person can then either choose a gift out of the middle and unwrap it, or he can take the a previously unwrapped present and give the person he took it from a present out of the middle. This continues until everyone has gone once and then the oldest person who started gets to decide if she (my grandma) wants to keep the present she has at that time or switch it with someone elses. It is good fun. We play it twice, once with good gifts or gifts that have some utility to them to everyone, and once with bad gifts, or really funny ones. And we can only spend a combined total of $20 on both gifts.

In past years these have been the bad gifts that I have put into the middle:
Fox Urine (apparently hunters use it or something)
A 70's Marching Band Uniform (in a really horrible off-red color)
A photo of me (ha Arbusto you aren't the only one who makes fun of me, I also make fun of me....oh wait that isn't a good thing)

So this year I think I am going to give a gift certificate that is good for 1 diamond. Yep an actual diamond. The catch is to claim it they must go to Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas and dig for it themselves. Expenses not paid.

Going Crazy

Well I have been crazy for some years, but it is just getting worse of late. Two days ago I had an, "Oh Shit" moment when I realized in May I need to find a job and have no prospects at the moment. So what did I do? Looked at other schools of course. I am not wanting to be a professional student but the Tuft's Fletcher School's Master in Law and Diplomacy looks extremely interesting. Plus you can't go wrong with its location. The only drawback is I would have to rush an application becaue they are do January 15. That means do the application, write the essays, get recommendations, and take the GRE all in a 20 day time span. Then there is that whole "money" aspect. Both of how will I pay for it and I want to start earning money.

Caramel Vodka and Vibrators

2006-12-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

So last night I drank. I drank too much. I threw up this morning, not exactly sure how I got home because part of the night I can't remember, and instead of drunk dialing a girl, I drunk emailed. The email was hysterical, and I would post it but it is in French so not too many would understand it. Thankfully I put in the wrong address and it didn't get sent. I have no recolection of typing the email and when I saw the returned email in my inbox I started to wonder what else I did that I can't remember. Still speaking of things I can't remember, I am not sure how I got back to my place. I know I started on the Metro, got off because I had to pee, took a cab, then it gets fuzzy. I have some fuzzy vague memory of the cab driver not letting me off at the right address, but somehow I walked home. I am just glad I got home.

Things I do remember:
Drinking two bottles of wine (two people)
Drinking a half a bottle of vodka (just me) the others finished the bottle
Ordering a vibrator online, okay my friend did I obviously didn't.

So the vibrator story...Reunion out of the blue asked me if Americans use sex toys because apparently in France it is still a little taboo. I said sure Americans used sex toys. I then decided to show her Bostonian Sexperts blog. Bostonian works at a sex shop and always has great recommendations and advice. So Reunion, who was already a little drunk, bought a 43 Euro vibrator in front of me. Yes this is my life. No sex, no girls, but girls willing to buy expensive vibrators in front of me.

IN OTHER NEWS:

Curly Canadian texted me today. I was sick of hanging out with her and decided that I needed to find out if I was going to get anything out of hanging out with her because I couldn't stand her personality. So I turned to my twin George Costanza. I decided to do the opposite of what I would normally do. She had texted me with "What are you up to? Want a hang out?" I responded, "I'm free for sex otherwise I am with a friend." Her response, "Huh??" My reply, "I am always up for sex, but am with a friend right now so I can't hang out." She ended then with, "I am not interested in you sexually."
Although the ending was not what happened to George who slept with the woman and got a job working for the Yankees, it is a big relief for me because now I don't have to hang out with her anymore.

LINE OF THE DAY

Reunion: "Why is it that weird things happen to you?" (Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my life, where the normal takes a backseat to the weird and unusual)

Because Arbusto is boring

2006-12-09T01:03:00.000-08:00

I switched to a normal template because Arbusto is boring and can't stand looking at colors. Maybe he wouldn't have so many headaches looking at colors if he would go outside some of the time in natural day light rather than staying inside playing his Wii all day or Warcraft. /suck it

Is This Better?

2006-12-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

Recent I changed the color scheme of my blog. I like Black and Gold/Yellow because they were my high school colors(Go RAMS), my college colors (Go Oles), and the colors of my favorite college/university team (Go Hawkeyes). But some people (don't worry I won't name names Arbusto and Mona) complained about it. Normally I would be a curmudgeon and not change, but instead I was in the Holiday spirit. So tell me what you think? Not as bright, but kept the same colors.

Rant of the Day:
Bretagne (little peninsula thing that sticks out into the Atlantic when you envision France, if you can) is known for wind and rain. Lots of wind and rain. So 3 years ago when I was studying there, I bought an umbrella of which I had high expectations. They were met. Until now that is. See for three years the thing would not budge in the wind. I used it in 40-50 m.p.h. winds and the thing would not reverse, bend, breakt, etc. Now, I am studying in Paris and recently they have had a few "tompetes" (I think that is how you spell it), which basically means lots of rain and even more wind. Think of a tropical storm/depression just not as much rain and not tropical whatsoever. Anyways my damn umbrella the other day was so strong that instead of flipping inside out like every other umbrella does in 45mph winds, it actually bent the main rod. My umbrella nearly broke in half and would have taken off like Mary Poppins on crack. Instead I was able to semi-salvage it and bend it back.
Flash forward to today. I am walking around and the damn thing flips inside out. The first fucking time it has done that in 3 years and it got even more bent. My umbrella is now more crooked than a Republican Congress.

So let's recap Furry's time in France (since it is almost over):
Lost luggage
Shat on by a bird (one of my few shirts when I had nothing, see above, and it was black)
Coming an entire month early because of my stupid French prof telling me the wrong date
Having no internship, which was promised to me, until my American prof found one for me 2 1/2 months later
Not getting laid (see previous posts from this month and Nov.)

All in all a typical 4 months for the Furry

GOOD NEWS FOR A CHANGE:

My bro (well more like his wife) had his baby the other day. It was by C-section, and I think everything is okay. My bro was too tired to give me specific details because he has been up for 50 hours straight before the birth. The new baby is named Gabriel. I have decided to call him Lil' Herky. My brother likes that nickname and hopefully it will make him a Hawkeye fan since he lives in that horrible state called Florida and his mom is a Gator alumnae.

DRINK RECAP FROM THURSDAY NIGHT

One of my friends had a birthday party at her place... I went, and drank even though I had work the next day at the law office. Suprisingly no hangover.
1 Kir
2 Beer/tequillas (something that I had never seen in a bottle before)
5 Martini Cokes (I know martini and coke doesn't sound good together, I didn't think so either, but it is really good)
3 Glasses of red wine

All done between 8-12

Saturday night should be fun, one of my friends promised me she was going to get me completely drunk. I don't think that is possible since I really haven't been yet, but we shall see. Possible scenarios if you don't see a post on Sunday:
Dead from alcohol poisoning
Lost in Paris and sleeping on a sidewalk
Still trying to get drunk
Joined a gang of illegal Romanian immigrents and are planning on taking over the Slovakian embassy
Sleeping with the girl who is taken me out (best option, least likely because after all it's me, Furry)

Ode to Mediation

2006-12-05T15:09:00.000-08:00

So today in class I was extremely bored. I am not really even sure what the prof was talking about because he was so ungodly boring. So I spent 4 hours out of 8 creating an 'Ode to Mediation'. Yes, yes I know technically it is a sonnet, but ode sounds so much better. I was even so bored that I rewrote it in the nicest cursive handwriting that I can do. (That took awhile since my handwriting is extremely bad). Anyways without further ado, here it is:

Ode to Mediation

There exists a conflict between parties
They think that no solution can be found
They pay an attorney hourly fees
What will they do? To the court they are bound

The judge sees them fighting like two children
A severe lack of communication
The judge suggests ADR with a grin
The parties decide on mediation

Each party describes their own perspective
After understanding the other side
They brainstorm ideas that are corrective
Voila, an agreement both to abide

A solution where both parties have won
And now the mediator's work is done

So I know it isn't all that good but it is all I could come up with in the time, while pretending to listen to the prof and making faces across the room to other bored classmates. Bonus points for anyone who knows what seperates this sonnet out from others.

So a priest, a cop, and mediation students walked into a bar...

2006-12-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

No the title isn't the start of a joke; rather something that happened to me on Saturday. I had class on Saturday from 10-5..yes it sucks, and it means we have to go out to eat during the hour the profs give us. So our prof had made reservations for a restaurant near the Catholic University where are classes are at. At noon 8 other students and I, go to the restaurant (w/o the prof) and see a table set up for 9, perfect, he made the reservation. We go sit down, are about ready to order, when a group of Catholic priests from the University come in and say that the table is in fact theirs.

They said someone had made a reservation for them and that we should let them have it because they only had an hour to eat. We said we only had an hour, but we would find another table and began to get up to let them sit down. At that point the server intervened and said that we were to say and the Priests would have to wait. Apparently they didn't like this and the CATHOLIC PRIESTS tried to call the police because they didn't have a table at the restaurant. It was yet another Costanza moment in my life. Catholic priests calling the police becuase of a mix-up in reservations at a bar/restaurant that is decent at best.

Curly Canadian (CC) news:

So the Canadian came calling again and of course I went out with her. CC and I went to a movie on two different nights and one night to 3 different bars. At the movies she always has her arms crossed and seems really closed off, she drink a lot, leaves early, and still drops names like how she partied with Leonardo DiCaprio or Clive Owen. I was going to go in for a kiss but after each night out she quickly does the half ass bisou before we leave, leaving me with no chance. Yet I still keep going out with her. Plus each time it is her calling me asking me to go out with her. I don't know what I am going to do when she calls this week. We will see...

MSC.

So the other day in class I had Mr. Monopoly teaching. He looked exactly like the Monopoly guy only without the top hat and monocle. It was incredible. I really wanted him to either say, "don't pass go, don't collect $200," or pull out a sac of money.

Worst line to end a movie:

Black Dahlia: "Please come inside." (yes they were going for the double entendre)

More bad luck when Furry went on a date last Saturday

2006-11-27T13:18:00.000-08:00

So a few weeks back I had tickets to the Masters Parisbas Tournament (tennis). I had an extra ticket and went to CL to find someone to go with me. A Canadian responded and she sounded decent so we went. Now this was an all day event and she actually stayed for the entire day. She is petite with really dark curly hair and fairly average looking but with impecable (sp?) skin.

During the tournament we got to know each other and I found out she was extremely high maintenance. Not only that but she was a blatant name dropper of people she knew (Jerry Brockheimer, Jason Statham, Eric Lindros, etc), and kept going on about ALL of her friends in Paris, who of course had money. Needless to say not really my type.

At the end of the day, I thought that would be that even though she suggested we should get together for drinks some night. Three weeks later (last week) she calls me. She suggests we go see a movie and go to a bar, there is a Canadian bar she wanted to try. Now even though she was not my type, she was decent looking and I am a little lonely and desperate at this point in my life (to be blunt about it). So of course I agreed to a movie and drinks Saturday night (last Saturday).

Saturday comes and we decide to see Borat, which was pretty funny. Afterwards we walk to the bar, a nice added touch to walk at night in the streets of Paris, and have a pretty nice conversation along the way, mainly about cartoons as we were growing up. We arrive at the bar and order a beer. The bar itself was pretty crappy, but I was content because I could sneak peeks at the FSU/Florida football game and she could glance at the rugby match. The only odd part was the fact she kept mentioning one "friend" who of course was a guy and the things they did together.

Now maybe it is just me, but when you are out with a guy that you asked to go out with you, do you normally talk about other guys that you hang out with? It was kind of awkward, but I kind of brushed it off. Anyways it is 9PM and we finish our first beer, she gets a text message from another friend who is living with her. Her friend arrived early and has no key to get into the apartment; she has to leave. So the night ends after one beer at 9pm. No kiss, no hug, just the typical French bisou. She suggested a longer night with more drinking next time, apologizing she had to leave early, but I don't know. I will probably wait to see if she calls rather than calling her.

Random notes:

My host has her boyfriend over. He is 60 or so, balding, and very very skinny. My host is 45 and still somewhat attractive. He is a "poet". When he reads his poetry it is like he injected himself with crack. He doesn't know how to open the front door (no joke). When they have sex it is very loud but only lasts 10 minutes. I hope I don't have to hear old sex again tonight.

Back to the Usual

2006-11-26T04:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry about last post, was a little down. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

More quotes/conversations from Reunion:

Reunion: So I haven't even told my boyfriend this story yet but the drunkest I got was in Australia. It was my 21st birthday, and my then-boyfriend got me really drunk. I had trouble walking to the car. The next day I got up feeling fine and apologized to him for not making it with him. He then had a confused look on his face. Apparently we did it quite often that night.

Different time still with Reunion and me:

Reunion: So my boyfriend has an interesting approach to cheating on one another.

Me: Oh, what is that?

Reunion: He says if you cheat on someone once, don't feel anything with the other person, and won't do it again, you don't need to tell the other person. But if you are thinking about continuing that relationship then you should tell your significant other.

Me: That is kind of odd. So does that mean he has a lot of one night stands?

Reunion: I am not sure yet.

Me: So when is our one night?

Reunion: (laughs)

Me: If we only do it once we won't have to tell him, plus I am gone in a month.

Reunion: That is a good point.

She never actually said no to my proposal.

Later on in that conversation Reunion randomly adds, "I love giving blowjobs."

One thing that did happen during Thanksgiving dinner was a conversation I was having with A.

A: Yeah, I really haven't found the right guy yet, I usually have a new guy each week.

Me: So when is my week.

A: (laughs)

Me: I only have 4 weeks left so it better be soon.

Table for 1

2006-11-23T16:42:00.000-08:00

I am pretty sure that is what I will be asking for my entire life, "table for 1." I am quite possibly the most pathetic man when it comes to women. I am so sick of making a fool out of myself I think I will just give up, bury myself in work, and shower my nephews and niece with gifts.

Every girl that hears my probles says she is going to help me. That is exactly the problem. Instead of thinking of going out with me, they would rather find some other poor sucker to do it. God forbid I have a girl that wants to go out with me, finds me attractive and/or is somewhat normal.

I just give up. I should have been a monk so then I wouldn't have to explain to everyone why I am so pathetic. Every girl says it doesn't make sense why I am alone, well if it fucking doesn't make sense why aren't you asking me out, kissing me, or fucking me, instead of saying it doesn't make sense. 3 years without a kiss is beyond pathetic.

As most of my friends that are girls say, "I am too nice." I have no fucking clue what that means, but I do know this, if that means I have to be less nice or change to find a girl; fuck it. I would rather be nice and completely single, than an ass and with someone.

Sorry for the downer of a post everone.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in the States, all the expats, students abroad, or soldiers serving their country.

It's not even Thursday yet....

2006-11-22T12:29:00.000-08:00

First off on a topic unrelated to the following post, the cat I am living with snores. It is not small whimpers like some dogs do but full-blown snores. I really never knew that cats snored, and I am not sure how I feel about it, but it is kind of distracting when I am trying to sleep.

Moving on....

I will give nicknames to girls to make this story easier.
First off there will be Reunion
Reunion--she is from La Reunion, which is a small island inbetween Madagascar and S. Africa, and also a part of France. She is the 22 year old I have been meantioning who is dating the 35 y/o and one who I hang out with a lot. She also speaks English pretty well. Reunion is also very attractive in the tropical kind of way and is very petite.

A: A is from Bretagne, which is where I spent a previous semester studying in France. She is pretty damn hot and extremely quirky. I like girls who are quirky, they do small things that are completely odd for no reason. She has also studied in Quebec and teaches me Quebecois swear words

S: S is another girl in my classes who is from Morocco. She is extremely hot with the whole sexy N. African/ Middle Eastern tan and huge eyes. Think kind of like Jasmine in Aladdin. She has long curly hair and some pretty large breasts. She also has a boyfriend of 5 years, but who lives in Morocco.

Now to the story.....

In class I was finalizing plans of Thanksgiving dinner with Reunion. Reunion, her boyfriend, A, a friend (girl) of A, and S will all be there. I then asked Reunion if she had any news about A and the guy she was kind of "seeing". Here is the conversation that insued (not translated since the conversation was in English):

Reunion: She is going to stop seeing him for a month or more. She wasn't that into him but always needs to be with someone.

Me: Perfect I am here for one more month. I should hook-up with her.

Reunion: It's so cute you have principles. I think you should hook-up with her even if she was still seeing him.

Me: I am not going to do that, I have been on the other end of that. That is why I won't make a move on S.

Reunion: I still think you should fuck her, she is probably lonely since she hasn't seen her boyfriend in awhile.

Me: As much as I would like to I am not sure I could, knowing about her boyfriend.

Reunion: It would make me happy if you fucked her.

Me: (pause, not sure how to follow that up)

Reunion: For that matter you should fuck A too. You should fuck them both that would make me comfortable.

Me: How does me fucking A make you "comfortable"?

Reunion: Well I meant happy, the only way I would be comfortable was if I joined you two.

Me: (At this point I really had no idea what to say and was clearly showing my innocence by even blushing a bit)

Reunion: (unconvincingly saying) Oh I was just joking....hope you don't get an erection in class that would be embarassing.

Later on in class I made a joke to Reunion as someone seemingly said somethinig completely random, so in return I turned to her and said a completely random word. She then turns to me and says, "blowjob."

This was without alcohol in our systems. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring when there will be lots of alcohol consumed, but Reunion has said she is going to try and hook me up with either A or S or both.

Random Rants

2006-11-20T15:16:00.000-08:00

Today I witnessed a fight at a Metro stop. Two guys were really going at it with fists flying, then one fell to the ground and the other started kicking him. When I thought someone was gonig to intervene he actually aided the fight by holding the guy who was kicking the guy on the ground so that the guy on the ground could get up and continute fighting. There was at least 20 or so people watching and no one doing anything. I had thought about intervening but then two others joined the fight including one with a shovel who was swinging it at the head of another guy. At this time it was 3 on 1. When I left it ended up being 4-2. Ahh the Holiday Season, always filled with joy.

I have been reading a lot of different blogs of people being down/depressed/in a funk. Although I am sure some of this is due to seasonal depression, I would just like to add that I am the King of Funks. It has been 3 years since I kissed someone...before that it was 21 years. (Side note: When I say kiss it is not a euphamism I really mean kiss. This is not meaning make-out either I am including all forms of kissing with the exception of family and the french bisou.) I think you get the hint. And now I hang out with girls who talk nothing but sex with me. I feel like one of the musical/movie/comedy guests on Lovelive that has no idea what the hell he is saying, instead having Dr. Drew correct everything.

Thanksgiving is obviously coming up. The French only import whole turkeys at Christmas, have no idea what stuffing is, and sure has hell have never had pumpkin pie. If anyone wants to send me either pumpkin pie or homemade chex mix feel free. Okay Chex Mix must be homemade with extra garlic salt and with only original ingrediants in it meaning: wheat chex, corn chex, rice chex, pretzels, and cheerios. Sadly I have the entire recipie memorized by heart. I won't go into my full rant about Chex Mix brand Chex Mix in bags but needless to say in the late 1990's they changed their recipie for the worst, I am sure it was to compete with Gardetto's.

And on that useless bit of info I end my post.

Apparently I am the walking dead

2006-11-17T15:23:00.000-08:00

I finally went back to the law firm today to work again. It has been a week and a half since I have been there. My lawyer was in Prague then South Beach and finally back in Paris.

I am stuck in the library where the other stagieres (interns) are. This is the first time they acknowledged my prescence even though I had been there three other days with them. After doing the basic greetings and exchanging the different approaches on how to become a lawyer, we started talking about what every Parisien talks about Paris and sex. It is incredible. We were working at a prestigious international law firm and an intern who doesn't even have a job there starts openly talking about sex with me.

They wanted to know if I had seen the TV program where a French, strike that, a Parisien journalist poses two questions that only someone from Paris would ask and of which every person in Paris thinks is normal: Is there really any life outside of Paris in France, and can you live without sex?

Apparently this was an entire hour long program where two lawyers debated these topics. So of course the interns asked me what I thought. I of course told them I preferred Bretagne over Paris (really any French countryside, but Bretagne most of all) and I think we all know the answer to the second question. Oh wait any normal person would know the answer to the second question but this is the Furry we are talking about so I will reassure everyone and I told them that of course there wasn't life without sex. So either I am a ghost or just in hell, but with all the conversations about sex I have had with women here and no action I am going with hell.

MMM North American Tasty

2006-11-16T11:49:00.000-08:00

So I didn't exactly post the entire conversation I had the other night when I went out with my two attractive female classmates.

Two glasses of wine and 2 very strong rhum drinks into the conversation we raised our glasses and said "Tchin Tchin" French equivalent to "cheers". Apparently here in France if you don't look someone in the eyes while doing this you get 7 years of not enjoying sex. (Arbusto insert joke about the Furry here). Anyways that is how we got started talking about sex. Then they started talking about blowjobs, and they asked if I knew cum tasted different depending on what I ate. I said I didn't know from experience but had heard of that. They then wanted to know if North American or cum from the USA tasted different than French cum.

Now for all of you expecting this to lead somewhere...SHAME ON YOU. Have you not read my blog. Do you not know that I am the master of either women leading me on or me just not knowing whatsoever. Remember the Seinfeld episode where George turns down "coffee" in the lady's apartment. That is my life over and over and over again. So no nothing happened. I am just a sad pathetic Furry.

Red Peppers and Anal Sex

2006-11-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

Yes you read the title right. Tonight I went out with one of the girls I have been hanging out with. We met up with her boyfriend (bummer). After drinking together and getting to know each other a little he told me a story about one of his friends. (This is translated from French). He told me saw his friend smiling one morning, and BF asked the guy why he was smiling. The guy told BF that he had just got done butt fucking a girl. He then went on and when he was done he found out that the girl had eaten red peppers the day before because he found a piece of red pepper on his dick.

I hope no one was eating red peppers while reading that story. What is weird about this relationship between this girl I know and the boyfriend is that she is 22 and he is 35. Yes you read it right. Plus he has a 6 year old. This is a very attractive, smart, and confident 22 year old too. And the guy isn't all that charming and looks more like 45 then 35. Although my parents have 18 years between them not 13 I don't understand this relationship whatsoever.

Well off to bed, I am slightly drunk, tired, and just got done eating some greasy food, is there a better combination?

Oh yeah I am below 100 kilos finally. Which in US terms means I am below 220lbs. When I got here I was over 250lbs. Go me. And have fun eating red peppers.

Last Night

2006-11-12T07:13:00.000-08:00

Last night I drank quite a bit. It started off when one of my classmates called me over to study at a cafe. I wasn't going to say no to two beautiful ladies asking me to come study with them, so of course I went. I felt like drinking a bit at the cafe, while they started with coffees. I ordered a Kir framboise, which was extraordinarily strong for a Kir. After that one was finished I had another one this time a Kir banane, which was strong again. Finally one of the other girls joined in and she got a drink while I ordered another Kir; this time a Kir poire, which was by far the best of all 3.

We then decided to go to a bar, since we had finished studying. The original bar we went to was completely dead and overpriced so we found another one called "le Rhumarie". It was great and as you might guess filled with rum drinks. I had 2 very very strong rums there as did the two girls. While there they had talked me into skipping a play I had bought tickets to, so that I would instead spend the evening with them. We also got to talking about sex. One of the more funnier moments was when they said I had to experience sex with a French woman, so that I would know more than just the missionary position because American girls were so boring in bed. We talked about oral sex for awhile, then decided we needed something to eat.

We went back to one of their apartments had some dinner, drank a glass of wine and then ended with 2 more Martini Cokes (sounds weird I know but was pretty damn good). Anyways, for all of you hoping that this story leads somewhere....you have to remember who is writing this. The evening ended uneventful. We all went home. And as always over here in France, I woke up without a hangover.

I HATE FRENCH WOMEN

2006-11-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

Okay so I was going to include this in my last post, but thought it deserved a post of its own.

As the title "implies" (Yes Arbusto, implies) I hate French women, okay maybe hate is too strong of a word.

So I had three potential targets since the last time I posted. One during my clown internship (don't worry will explain it in a later post, but yes I took classes in Paris on how to be a clown) and two from my current classes.

All three acted the same way and oddly enough all three ended the same way. I think what it comes down to is me being completely unable to read signs from women whatsoever. I might be able to read US Supreme Court Cases and understand them; US Army interrogation logs and be able to cite what article they are violating in international treaties; or Candide in French and understand Voltaires word games or satire of Leibniz; but for fuck's sake I am like a Elaine trying to figure out why Ziggy is so funny when it comes to me and women. Normally just stating my record of 24 years and only one 2 month disasterous relationship or getting my first kiss at the age of 22 would suffice. But no I will go on.

All 3 of the above mentioned attractive French ladies were friendly at first. Just in a normal friend type of way, but as time progressed they became more friendly. Now I always read more into things than anyone ever should, but here is what happened in all 3 cases. After awhile they began to open up more; they would either wait for me or tell me to wait to walk 3 blocks together before we split for the day; would sit next to me and whisper things to me during classes; would be over "complementative" (not sure if that is a word but it is now) on things I would tell them about me; would always be extremely close to me; and all 3 would touch me lightly on my arm or shoulder when telling me things or laughing together. They all 3 would said we should do such and such together or go to such and such and place. Now I wasn't thinking they were madly in love with me, I might be stupid but not retarded, I was just thinking that maybe they were giving me signs that they would be interested in hanging out together and seeing where things went from there.

What did all 3 have in common, they all had boyfriends ranging from 3-6 year relationships. Oddly enough all 3 lived with their boyfriend too. One of them is even dating a French Air Force jet pilot, and she has asked me to go out drinking and dancing with her. (Fearing retaliation from Maverick and Goose I am not sure if I am willing to go).

Anyways I think I prefer life in the States where I am not confused about women because it is clear none are hitting on me whatsoever.

Okay...Okay Sorry Part II

2006-11-10T14:54:00.000-08:00

HA two posts in one day....if I keep this up I should be caught up by March.

In Part 1 I mentioned a conference, well yesterday I went to said conference and two things happened. First off one of my profs was there. Yep traveled 2k + miles to give a talk, didn't tell me he was going to be there (found out from my French profs), and when I introduced myself he said Hi....that was it. Maybe it is because I am from small town Iowa, but when a student is studying abroad and a represenative from the university travels that distance don't you think it is rude not tell the student that this prof is coming. Plus, he is here for 3 or 4 days and didn't invite me for coffee or lunch. Now I guess I am probably alone on this, but wouldn't you think as a member of the university they would want to know how the student is doing, is he having any problems, how is semester is going, concerns, etc. Nope, Hi and that is it. Bastard.

Also at this conference I randomly got myself into something that I am not sure I should have. I said hi to a lady that I thought I had in one of my mediation classes last month. I had already saw another one so thought maybe a couple had come to this conference. After the conference we chatted some and I saw her name on a business card she gave me. I began thinking maybe this wasn't who I thought it was, she looked slightly different and had a different name then I thought she had. We chatted some more then she asked me to give a presentation to her law firm about the American mediation process. I said that I wasn't sure, I hadn't really taken any classes on the subject, etc. but she kept on insisting, so I gave her my card and she said she would call me. When I returned to my apartment I looked up the classmates name and sure enough it wasn't her. So to recap everything...I met a random person thinking she was someone else, was invited to give a presentation to a group of French lawyers, on a subject I don't know. Yet I am still going to go and give the presentation. I just have to find out what the hell Transitive Mediation is.

Okay...Okay Sorry Part 1

2006-11-10T14:36:00.000-08:00

Well sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Basically I was just lazy like usual. But since some of you have so "politely" pointed out that I should post, looking at you MONA, here it goes:

Hmm, how to catch everyone up. Well I have an internship FINALLY. It is at an international law frim with about 20 or so lawyers. It is great. They have 3 divisions an English speaking division, a German division, and an insurance division (one of their big clients is a very large American insurance company). Oh they are doing pretty well for a law firm too. They are in the richest part of Paris, with a huge building gated and all, across from the Algerian Embassy, and next door to the Rolex building (yes Rolex has an entire building rather than just a normal store like every other company). They also have a patio overlooking an awesome park.

I am working with an American who has been in Paris for 20 years now. Basically he is just using me for my Westlaw, but it is all good because I am just using him for my resume. There are two extremely hot associates too, including one who has the whole sexy librarian look down to a T.

In more class related news... My dick of a professor over here keeps blaming me for all of the problems. Thankfully my prof back home knows that it is not my problem and the French Prof is just one big ass. He told me he couldn't find me an internship (he had 3 months before I got there and 2 months afterwards) because I missed one meeting with him that would have lasted a half hour on a Saturday in September. Apparently that was the only Saturday in the entire two months that I have been here that would work to find me an internship.

I have started daily classes though, with people my age. It is going pretty well. My French has improved a hundred times over, and I am able to contribute in class. The other day we had to split the class, 21 people, up into groups for a conference. Each person was supposed to listen, take notes, and report on a speaker. Then as a group we would take all of the notes and condense it into 2 pages of what the conference was about. This was being done during the class that is focusing on "team building" (I use quotations because those are the same words the French use and it is hilarious to hear them say team building). We had an hour and a half to figure out responsibilities, roles, and when people were attending. The prof told let us do it all by ourselves and he observed.

What he ended up observing was 45 minutes of French babble with absolutely nothing decided. I constantly was looking at him trying to get him to stop the neverending talk about absolutely nothing. I had a massive headache to boot. Finally he stopped it and then to my surprise asked me how this all would have gone down in the States. I told him someone would be the leader, direct the talk, asked focused questions, and make sure everyone stayed on task. He then completely caught me off guard and asked me after observing the 45 minutes of bullshit who I would think would be that leader. I told him who, he told that person to take over, and everything was done 15 minutes later. I lauged because the American way took 15 minutes and the French way would probably be still going on as I am typing this, even though the conference is already over.

Anyways, hopefully I will post more often and the cat that is lying next to me will stop snoring.

Liberal Left Fantasy Football

2006-10-19T02:12:00.000-07:00

No the title is not wrong I am proposing my 2006 Liberal Left Fantasy Football Team. This has stemmed from my friend Arbusto's blog and the specific conversation here, here, here, here, and lastly here. So without further ado here it goes:

QB: Peyton Manning
Reasoning: Actually was a toss-up between McNabb and Manning. McNabb, a minority, clearly only got the position due to affirmative action. But ultimately it is Peyton's never-ending spreading of the wealth that earns him the spot. Peyton has thrown 8 TDs to 6 different receivers this year and only one to his favorite target Marvin Harrison. It is this equal distribution of wealth to all of his teammates including 4 to TEs, 2 of thos going to the backup Fletcher.

RB: Edgerin James
Reasoning: Is there any better example of someone giving up everything he has to go work for a charity organization? Edge gave up working with Peyton, Harrison, and Wayne to go work with Leinart and the Cardinals offensive line. What Edge did takes great sacrifice and thus makes him the fruntrunner for RB on the Liberal Left Fantasy Football team.

RB: Frank Gore
Reasoning: Is there a more Liberal Left town than San Francisco? Enough said. Close second: Laurence Maroney, same reasoning only New England.

WR: Marvin Harrison
Reasoning: At age 34, Marvin Harrison represents the senior citizens of football. He is on the team to voice concern over his social security and retirement benefits that the government may not be able to pay him.

WR: Terrel Owens
Reasoning: Prescription drugs are costly these days, and with Owens taking so many he is obviously concerned about their price.

WR: Jerry Porter
Reasoning: Even though he hasn't played all year, he is on the team. In fact that is why he is on the team. He is collecting his paycheck and not even playing. He is not injured, sick, or handicapped. He is just collecting his wellfare.

TE: Marques Colston (cheating a bit here but he is still considered a TE under Yahoo fantasy football)
Reasoning: Young, minority, and representing New Orleans. He is rebuilding that city TD by TD.

K: Robbie Gould
Reasoning: Well he could be playing for either the Liberal Lefts or the Righteous Righties because he is neither wide left or wide right; he is always straight down the middle.

Defense: New England Patriots
Reasoning: Basically the same as Frank Gore at RB. Rather than having one New Englander though (Maroney), why not have a whole team from Ted Kennedy's home state.

Honorable Mention: Troy Vincent
Reasoning: Although he is an individual defensive player (S), he was unemployed (just hired), old at 35, black, and head of the NFL Players Association For the last reason alone he should be put on the Liberal Left Fantasy Football Team.

Clowning Around in Paris

2006-10-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

Title story:

So once again I am going to do something very Castanza like, in my eyes. Instead of focusing on law school here in Paris like I am supposed to be doing, I am going to take classes on how to be a clown. Yes a clown. I feel that because it is actual classes it is much to organized of a thing for Kramer and could easily see George quitting his job to do this. Although it won't be circus clown classes (rather French theatrical clowns) it should still be fun and something completely random that I could put on the ol' resume just to get weird questions about it.

Thankfully the Bears have a bye week:

If you haven't read this story yet, I suggest doing so. But I have always wondered why terrorists have not attacked a football stadium, especially one like Michigan. How many other times can you find over 100,00 plus people compacted into a small area. Isn't that an easy target? Symbolic? High number of fatalities? I mean I am not wanting someone to do this, but I guess I am surprised they have not taken a page out of Tom Clancy's Sum of All Fears.

Maladies in France:

Anyone that knows me, knows that I am constantly sick. So I decided to list all of the things I have had go wrong since being here in France (have been here not quite 2 months):
Cold
Sinus Infection
Kidney Stone (2nd one in 3 months)
and my favorite Arthritis in my foot...this is the same foot that had surgery on it 6 years ago and is now developping arhtritis from the surgery according to my podiatrist. Yes I have a podiatrist, in fact I think I could staff an entire hospital with all of the medical personal I visit.

And yes I am still under 25 years of age.

Weight Loss:

Current weight loss is at 11 kilos or 24.2lbs. I still say the best diet for a guy (only guys) is to come to France. It has nothing to do with the full squid (not cut up into indistinguishable pieces), purple rice, seaweed soup, weird mushrooms, or steamed prunes that I am forced to eat; I just always lose weight in France.
When I came here I had 3 goals about my weight. One was easily attainable, one that I expect to do but will be more difficult, and one that will take some work but would be awesome if I can do it. Here they are:

1. Reach 100 kilos. When I got here I weighed myself at 214.5 kilos, I am now at 103 kilos...almost there. Hopefully will be there at the end of October.
2. Be under 200lbs, this is roughly 93-95 kilos (I am too lazy to do the math right now) I think I can reach it but it will be close.
3. Be at 185lbs. This is going to be really tough and if I really press myself I think I can do it, but then again I am lazy. We will see how the first half of November goes.

For those that were curious 114.5 kilos is equal to 151.9lbs and I am now at 226lbs in a month and 20 days.

A Cat Gets Better Vacations Than I Do

2006-10-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

So the other day at dinner my host mom says, "Oh did I mention I have a cat?" Now I thought this might be a joke or something. I mean I had been staying here 3 weeks, and I saw no cat. She then said, "It is on vacation in Provence."

"What???" The cat is on vacation. Now I really thought this was a joke. She saw the incredulous look on my face and pointed to hot host daughter, "Tell him we have a cat." She was slightly laughing because she knew I didn't believe but said they did. Now I was really skeptical because hot host daughter was laughing.

The Chinese exchange student (CES), who also is staying here (this apt is like a really expensive hostel), chiped in too, "yep there is a cat." Now I was still not believing this and thought maybe the CES just caught onto the game they were playing with me.

So host mom then says that she is leaving the next day to go bring it back. Now I could tell she wasn't joking. They actually had a cat, and it was actually on vacation. So I began asking questions...
Name: Mincey
Color: Mainly white, with brown, and black
Eyes: Blue
Type: I don't know cat breed names in French sorry
Age: 16 pretty old cat

I then asked the interesting questions, "What do you mean by 'vacaton'?" Thinking they dropped it off while they were on vacation or something like that. Oh no, the host did not actually go on vacation just the cat. Yes that is right the cat went on a vacation but it's owner could not. Wanting to know more about the cat I then asked, "Is it friendly, how does it act?"

She answers by saying, "Well it is going to be depressed and lay around when it comes back, it is always like that after its vacation." Yes this isn't a one-time deal; it is annual. She continued, "When it is in the country it gets to run around, hunt, climb trees, but when it returns here it has nothing to do but lay around."

I then ask, "Where is the cat at?" Thinking just outside Paris or something. Oh no, Southern France. Yes the cat vacations with Paris Hilton, Jenifer Aniston, Nicole Richey, and Mincey. Now it wasn't on the coast but still Provence is a great region in Southern France. (Largely known for its cuisine and herbs).

So yes I live with a family, who sends their cat on vacation each year to Southern France. The cat runs, climbs, hunts, and whatever else cats do in the wild until it is time to come and then it rests up until next year when it gets to go on vacation again. Until then Mincey lays around the house and eats the fish and vegetables that is cooked for her every night. Oh did I forget to mention they cook cod and green beans for the cat every night. Yes that is my host family.

Should I Be Flattered?

2006-10-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

Titile:

So yesterday on the Metro something...very me happened. I swear these things only happen to me. I had a transvestite hit on me. More specifically she/he (I am not sure which they were more of, or what the proper pronoun is there) got up to exit, gave me their number, said "call me" in a disturbingly frightening tone (like a husky come hither male voice), and then exited. I missed my stop because I was too stunned to do anything else. So I guess I should kind of be flattered (?) I have never had a woman hit on me (or none so obvious), but i am more disturbed than anything else. I cringe thinking about it. No Arbusto I did not call.

The French and Time:

Today the CLE (continuing law education) class I went to got over 20 minutes late. This is suprisingly better than the 30 minutes last time. Now I know the French have absolutely no concept of time, but seriously 20-30 minutes is a long fucking time after 2 hours. At that point my brain was wandering off to whatever I could think of because it was so long. I really don't understand how the French have trains that are to the second, but when it comes to everything else they just act like time does not exist.

Annoying Classroom behavior:

There are always people in class that annoy the hell out of me, it is just who I am. At law school there are the "Over Achievers", "Chatterboxes", "Dumb Question Askers" (Yes there are dumb questions), "Constant Talkers" and "Nodders". Now before I go on I will admit I do nod sometimes but when I catch myself I stop. And I am a Constant Talker, sorry it is me.

Over Achievers, Nodders, and Dumb Questioners are pretty straight forward.

Chatterboxes are the ones in class that constantly talk to their neighbor, but it is so loud everyone in class knows that the two got herpes from the same guy.

Constant Talkers can be split in two divisions. The first being people who talk in class (when called on) about everyday. This is me, sorry again (I actually will post on why I do this later and am actually thinking about writing a book about it for college students). And then there are the ones who ask questions just as class is getting over. Those people should have their tongues cut out...and then fed to them. They wait till there is two minutes left and ask a question that takes 10 minutes to answer and everyone has to hear the answer that is pointless anyways. The rule is clear for clear concise questions 7-10 minutes remaining in class min. For long complicated questions 12-15 minutes must be remaining in class. Period. No exceptions. If you must stay after and ask the prof the question.

France has taken the whole question at the last minute thing to a new level though. In multiple classes people have asked questions 10-20 minutes AFTER class. Not only that they ask multiple questions. God I hate that. Plus the French have added another category to the annoying list "THE ONE WHO ANSWERS ALL QUESTIONS EVEN RHETORICAL ONES" Oh yes in each of my classes I have one person who not only nods but also talks, confirms, and answers EVERYTHING the professor says. Just audible enough that doesn't disturb the prof but so that everyone can hear them. Let me make this clear.... I HATE THEM.

Why the Parisiens Can't Walk On the Street:

This will be a longer post later on how people are supposed to walk in the street or in buildings including not standing in heavily traveled areas. But I must say I finally understand why the people in Paris just kind of walk all over the sidewalk instead of having directional sidewalk flow. (You know where you stay on the right and oncoming foot traffic stays on your left.) It is quite simple, most Parisieners don't drive. It is instilled in most Americans brains that you stay on the right side of the road, sidewalk, stairs, etc. But if you have never driven anything and don't constantly ride in a car, you would never figure this out. So I will give the Parisiens a break on this one.

Sorry no new Pigeon stories, but I did take this photo at Notre Dame. Apparently he has better luck with them than I do.

Gender Issues

2006-10-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

HOLY CRAP!!!!

Today walking to the market I saw a person walking towards me. Bravo Furry a person walking towards you in Paris. But this person was different. It was an old woman with her coat on, scarf around her head, big sac full of things, and her full facial beard. WHAT??? Yes you heard me a full facial beard with mustache and all. I didn't even have to pay the $5 to get into the freak show. (I know I am going to hell already, so might as well say it). I mean this wasn't your old lady's fuzz this was long strands of ugliness on her face. After my brain processed that this indeed was a woman, I nearly barfed on the street, seriously. I know it is shallow, but it was hideous. After 5 minutes I started laughing to myself about it (I know already I am a horrible person), but the laughing caused me to think about it again, which nearly caused me to barf again. I mean don't you at some point have to shave it? What is the ruling on facial hair for old women?

Speaking of mixed up genders....

Western Europe uses the Euro (I know some countries don't, but just go with me here) this is a coin based monetary unit for the most part. That means the majority of products or services are paid for with coins, which in turns means you have to carry a lot of coins. This leads to men with coin purses. Now I am not as open to my sexuality as say Arbusto, but am not nearly as closed as Brandon or the human garbage disposal. But, I do have a some weird problem with my masuclinity about carrying around a coin purse. I think I would be caught carrying a murse before a coin purse. Yet all of the men do it here. All. It is a very weird thing for me, and I don't think I will be converted.

Weird difference between two countries:

In the US we use a "." as a decimal point and a "," to seperate between thousands and millions etc. In France it is completely the opposite and fucks up my head. Here in France they use "," as a decimal and a "." between the thousand mark and million mark.

Weird irony between two countries:

In a country that does not use the metric system (i.e. USA) we have 2 liter bottles of pop. Yet in a country that does have the metric system (i.e. France) they only have 1,5 liter bottles of pop. ??? (notice how I used the "," too)

Dreaming

2006-10-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

So it is 7:30AM right now and I am pretty wide awake, even though it is so early, I am happy. Why? I just had the best dream ever, you know one of those dreams that just makes you feel wonderful when you wake up, no not that kind of dream you sex fiends. Well not quite. It was a dream that filled that void in my life, made me feel as if I was wrapped in a warm blanket, put a smile on my face, and gives me hope about my future.

So what was this wonderful dream? (sorry if it skips around but you know how dreams go)

It began as almost the narrative of a girl who was writing/wrote a book. She was well educated and was a writer by profession. She had dirty blond hair about shoulder length, kind of plain yet beautiful face, about 5'4, and an average body with slight womanly curves. She loved to take long runs in the morning just before the sun rose, and would narrate to herself on these long runs or just think out loud.

Now it appeared she and I were dating, probably not for long either because we still had that giddyness when we met, you know when two people are first dating and really like each other. That feeling that you never want to leave them and feel so nervous yet excited and happy when you are together.

It was around the holidays because she was at her parent's house even though she had her own home. Oh and she was married. WHAT??? No, I wasn't really cheating, she was married to a gay man, so that he could get insurance (not exactly sure how) even though that man had a significant other too. I know, I know, who has a dream like this. Oh yeah I think her name was Amy.

So I am dating a writer, who is married to a gay man, and has not told her parents yet that the marriage is kind of a farce and the man she is married to is gay. Oops did I not tell you that yet. So it is very awkward going over to her house during the holidays to see her. Her Dad even took me aside and had the whole, "What are your intentions for seeing her young man?" talk. I told him that we just had great conversation together, which was true, but not my intentions. Plus was kind of odd because I was over there when everyone was going to sleep. But when I entered her room we felt like teenagers because we left the light on, so as not to give away what we were really doing, which wasn't talking. Instead we were making out, well not so much as making out as giving light kisses to each other. Then I woke up.

Now most would say I woke up before the good part happened, I on the other hand feel differently. What I dreampt about is the one thing I want most in life. I want to feel close to someone whe feels the same way about me. I want to be able to have the latest kisses be just as exciting and nerve racking as the first kiss. I want that constant feeling that I am wrapped up in that warm blanket.

Paris Hilton

2006-10-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

YAY YAY YAY:
My internship looks like it is going to start. I am being very cautions in hopes that I don't jinx it. I finally got a call from the lawyer today and we FINALLY set up a time to meet. This should be an oppurtunitly like no other because she is the director of the international arbitration section in the biggest law firm in France. International arbitration is such a hard field to break into that I am hoping my schmoozing/networking skills will come to life.

Title explanation:
So the daughters of my host took their father's last name, Hilton. I just realized that if I can somehow date one of them, I'd be dating a Hilton in Paris. Although, I despise Paris Hilton, it does make for an interesting story for children or grandchildren. "Oh yes I dated a Paris Hilton" I just won't tell them it was a Hilton in Paris not the Paris Hilton.

Weirdest Ad Yet in France:
On the Metro (subway here) today I noticed a particular sign that was kind of odd...
I will let you decide for yourself here you go:

It is for Eurostar (a highspeed European Train) promoting Romance in London. Sadly it took me 3 times staring at the sign before I realized they were not just talking about breakfast with your loved one in london.

Near Death Moment:
Today walking down the street I had a pigeon that was flying directly at me chest high and going 20 miles per hour. Normally I am used to birds flying around humans, this time I had to jump out of the way to avoid a collapsed lung and big poof of feathers. It was only about 6 inches from me before jumped out of the way. So lets recap, so far pigeons have pooped on my black shirt I just bought and one of only 2 shirts I had at the time, and now nearly impaled my chest.
Pigeons: 2 Me: pathetic

Man I am gassy tonight

2006-09-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

Okay so the title has nothing to do with this post, but speaks the truth. It is kind of a problem being as how thin the walls are here, but if I have to fart I have to fart.

The real subject of this post is about French movies. Now France has a long history of films beginning with Les freres Lumieres. (Side note: why is it that every French invention is done by a pair ex: Lumieres (film industry), Curies (Medecine), and my favorite Montgolifieres (invented the hot air balloon, and the first object to carry man in the air.) Anyways, throughout time France has done some pretty great films Jeanne d'arc (circa 1898), Les Enfants du Paradis (1945), Mon Oncle (1958), and my favorite movie of all time Les Diaboliques (1955). (All dates are courtesy of IMDB where you can read about these movies as well.) In fact French cinema has helped create the film industry, revolutionizing it in certain eras and by recognizing certain films at the most celebrated film fesitval in the world at Cannes with the Palm d'Or.

Then there is the side that no one likes to talk about. The same French cinema has created such great classics has also created Les Parapluies de Cherbourg (1964); a film which I cannot say enough bad things about but think of West Side Story meets any Julia Roberts film. It is a musical that is so hard to sit through at the end you are either so zoned out you stay watching the TV for another 40 minutes before you realize you are watching nothing, or you have blood running from your ears. Then there are the genre like Le Pacte de Loupe (2001 Brotherhood of the Wolf) and Blanche (2002). Since some of you might have seen Brotherhood of the Wolf, I will start there. It is a typical French film in present day that has a decent story line with the absolute absurd in it. I mean really an Indian (American not subcontinet, check with the Bureau of Indian Affairs this is the name they prefer) that is some kind of ninja/karate wizard? How much crazier does it need to get.

Then there is Blanche. Blanche once again has a decent story line, but with absurd characters. First they bring in every literary character you can think of that was existent in 17th to 18th century and then just go crazy. There is literally one scene where Cardinal Richelieu, Louis XIV, and Louis XIV's mom are snorting coke and running around a room chasing after a guy to kill him. What is even more crazy is the coke they snor is red and they just magically appear sometimes in front of the guy they are chasing like in that UPS commercial where the lady holds the door open for the business guy, who then goes to elevator and that same UPS lady is then exiting the elevator. Yeah. And of course like every French film there is a Gerarad Depardieu cameo. I kind of like the movie in a perverse way basically to laugh at it. I also own it to have on hand if I ever get high, I actually never ever plan on getting high, but this is the movie I want to watch if I do. I think it will actually make sense then.

Well I know the American film industry has plenty of horrible horrible movies: Gigli (2003), Battlefield Earth (2000) and Titanic (1997, Yes I said Titanic), but what really seperates the American film industry with the French film industry is WWII movies. I mean really any WWII movie in America is a cash cow, especially if it takes place in Europe. I cannot think of any bad American WWII movies that take place in Europe. Plenty of them that take place in the Pacific i.e. Pearl Harbor (2001). But here in France I have now gone to three really bad movies about WWII. I mean really bad.

The most recent one I went was tonight: Les indegens (2006). This is the best way to describe it: storyline of Glory (1989) but for Arabs, set in WWII, with an ending identical to Saving Private Ryan's beginning (1989). The movie is about the suffering of Algerians and others whow fought for France in WWII to help free France from the Nazis, but who were still treated like slaves almost. The ending does a flashforward of "60 years later" and shows the main character at the last battle scene they showed, where there is now a military cemetary and he finds the men that died in that fight. Wow doesn't that sound familiar. And then to really put closure to it they show him take a bus to his apartment (some city in France), take his shoes off, and sit on his bed. Yep that is the exact ending. I just wonder how can you go so wrong with a WWII movie where you kill Nazis? Everyone loves to see that, but somehow the French manage to do it.

And yes, while I wrote this I was still gassy and have been continually farting.

Completely Oblivious

2006-09-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

So I knew this post would come sooner than later but here it goes...

My family (only the men on my father's side) has a curse. No one actually ever physically put a curse on us, but I am pretty sure one of my ancestors did something that will affect all generations to come in my family. It is women.

My grandfather first got married when he was 30, he was born in the 1910s or 20s so 30 was extremely late. My father got married when he was 28. An improvement? Not quite. His first wife died shortly there after. Extremely sad but true. My brother got married at 29. Now most of you at this time might be saying, hey that is a pretty normal age to get married at, what are you complaining about? Well they never had a girlfriend before they got married. My father had 2 dates before he got married the first time. My brother had 3.

So then there is me. I am 24. I had 2 dates in high school, both went miserably bad...one was a blind date (neither of us liked each other) and the other was a dance where we never danced together. Then came college.

One night after going to a bar a friend and I had to watch a movie for a class the next day. One of my friend's housemates decided to watch it with us, even though she did not understand French. When my friend finally left, this housemate kissed me and so on and so forth. This eventually led to an on again off again quais relationship for about 3 months. What happened after 3 months? I finally moved into my apartment and called Sophie (that name sounds good in this story). Sophie said that we should go out to lunch, but since she had no car I would have to pick her up, she lived about 40 minutes away. This was no problem. I was going to pick her up take her to my place where she was going to stay for the next couple of days. Well when I arrive at her place she is sitting on the porch. I approach and she does not say much. She then tells me I actually had you drive down here to tell you that this isn't going to work anymore.

So at this point I am completely confused. Yesterday she had told me she was looking forward to coming up and seeing my palce, etc, and now she is seperating. I of course ask why and she says you don't want to know. Well this really pisses me off, now I think not only is she breaking up with me, but I either did something completely wrong or she thinks there is something completely wrong with me and if that is the case, I really do want to know. So after much prodding she tells me she is sleeping with another guy. Now being an extremely faithful guy this hurt, but what hurt even more is the fact that she wouldn't even sleep with me. So she will sleep with a guy that she has known for a week, but not the one she was dating for 3 months.

Flash forward about a year, I am dating another girl. We had gone on two dates (wouldn't really call it dating her, but you get the point). Date 3 ends up back at my place watching Old School together. Now Old School for me is one of the funniest movies ever. Even though I had seen it numerous times I was too enthralled in the movie to realize that this girl was pratically throwing herself at me. I didn't even kiss her. Needless to say after that date she broke it off.

Two summers ago, after work a girl invites me out for drinks. Now this is really where you get to see how stupid I am when it comes to women. We go to the bar where she realizes she "accidently" left her ID back at her place, so we should go to her place to drink. It is about 12:30 at this point. We get to her place where we have a beer. She then shows me her apartment and makes it a key point to show me her bedroom. We go back to the couch and have another beer. She complains her feet hurt.

So now that you know how I am around women lets recap then have a multiple choice. Lady from work wants to have some drinks with me. "Forgets" her ID. Go to her place. Have beer. Shows me her bedroom. Complains feet hurt.
What did Furry do?
A. Did Furry move in closer and tell her he could help take the pain away.
B. Did Furry offer to massage her feet.
C. Did Furry try to get her to drink more just to make sure all inhibitions were gone.
D. Or did Furry say, "Well you said you have to get up early tomorrow, I better go so you can get some sleep."

If you did not guess D then I am guessing you have problems spelling your name correctly. That is exactly what I did. I am an idiot.

So this brings me to my new dilema....

My host here in Paris has a 19 year old daughter. She is extremely attractive but very timid. We went on a long walk for several hours and we have talked when she is around. The odd thing is though she always smiles at me and occaissionally will just stand and watch me if I am in the kitchen, not saying anything.

Now avoiding the obivous problems of dating a 19 year old Parisian and being the daughter of my host, I ask what am I to make of this? I have given descriptions of my incompentant decison making when it comes to women (and those are only the most obvious blunders believe me there are others). Is she just being extremely nice to this blundering idiot american, or is she trying to send out signals. Because if she is trying to send out signals, I really should just wear a sign saying, "Sorry reception is down inoperative and will not be working for at least 6 more years." I figure when I am 30 the curse is either lifted or I am so depressed I just marry the first thing that says yes. Notice I said thing, so if there are robotic wifes 6 years from now, I better stock up on WD 40.

And the ending that everyone loves, What Weird/Horrible/Embarassing Thing Happened to Furry today?
Well this morning I took a shower/bath, its a European thing that I hate. Anyways half way through I realize the water is not draining. Yes the bathtub is clogged. My host does not have a plunger either. Oh and she just left for Canada for 8 days. So I had to find a way to unclog the bathtub in France. After trying to put a hanger down the drain, I finally went out and after much searching found a Drain-O product that worked.

And no it was not from all of my fur.

To all of those that think I am ass ;) this should cheer you up

2006-09-22T16:10:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day to explain what a typical day is for me:

First off I had nothing to do, this is because the school that sent me had done nothinig, and the school here in Paris does nothing. I am trying to set up an externship but the lawyer is always gone, so nothing for me to do.

Lunch time, the host mom I am staying with is a health nut, I am not. Today I had lentils with curry and barley. To some this may sound tasty, but I am from Iowa and grew up on meat. Notice I did not say potatoes too, just meat. I have slightly carnivoristic tendicies. (I think I just made up two words there) I actually like to call myself a meatawheatatarian (love that word) because I love to eat meat and obviously wheat products.

First Class: I had my first class of the trip, was originally told they began Sept. 4th but they really began Sept 22. I get there and realize I am the youngest in the class by at least 10 years and that is being generous. The professor rambles on for 3 hours about stories from his past and because my French is still quite rusty, I only understand half at best. Then as I get up, I find out my chair had a sticky substance to it and my pants stuck to it. Thankfully it was not super sticky and was able to slowly peel them off of the chair.

What is the perfect nightcap? Try getting hit in the nuts on the Metro by some lady's bag when the Metro stops inexplicably in the middle of two stops. After I double over in pain, it starts right up again.

There you have it...that sums me up pretty well.

And the lightbulb comes on

2006-09-22T03:34:00.000-07:00

So I have been sitting in my room thinking, mainly because I have nothing else to do, when the lightbulb finally came on. No not literally, although it would be nice to have some light in this room. I finally realized, I don't have to speak French here. I know that may sound stupid, but being a French major ingrained into my head that I must speak and only speak French over here. When I was studying here in undergrad it made sense to learn the language and all. But I am not here to learn the language right now; I am here to learn the law or law related items. Thus if a professor wants to make a fool out of himself by speaking broken jabberwockey English to me, so be it. I will laugh inside my head and think what an idiot, which is what they probably do when I speak French.

On a completely different note....I nearly got into a fight. This is the second time in my life I have nearly been in a fight and oddly enough they were at the same place, the foot of the hill of the Sacre Couer at Montmatre. Standing like vultures at the staircase leading up to the cathedral are vendors of stolen or cheap tourist crap. Normally I can walk right by these people without a problem, but not here. No, no they won't let you. This is how it went down....

Man approaches me and says: Hey big boss (big boss usually means the big honcho in a working place but on the street it means hey you American with lots of money)

Me: (ignore him)

Man: (approaches) Hey big boss why no say hello

Me: (ignore him)

Man: (puts hand on my shoulder to stop me) Hey big boss I say hello what your problem?

Me: (note this is translated if you want the original French version please send a self addressed envelope to...) I can speak f***ing french, I am not a stupid idiot. Get your f***ing hand off of me.

Man: (switches to French) You have a problem with me? What language do you speak? What is your f***ing problem?

Me: (still in French) My f***ing problem is you are f***ing touching me, now let go before something happens... (he lets go finally) (I then say) Tais-toi, pute (there is no real good English translation, but it is basically the worse thing you can say to someone in French think of it as transalted as such, "Shut your s**t eating a**hole you motherf***ing c**t." But it is so succint and demeaning in French, I love it.)

So I walk away while he swears at me. The other time was when I was guiding my parents around Paris and at the same place one of the same type of people grabs my mom to try and sell her something. I swiftly twisted his arm and cursed at him in French. He got the point.

And Arbusto (since I am pretty sure you are the only one reading this) here is my football prediction for this weekend:

Bears 31 Vikes 6

I hate Destiny

2006-09-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

So as I was walking to the grocery store today (Large side note: Grocery stores suck in Paris, they have no selection or variety and have very few things on the shelves...horrible, you cannot find fresh spices anywhere. back to the story sorry) I had an epiphany.

Either I am very lucky or God really hates me. Most are going to say the latter of the two.

My quartier (neighborhood) here in Paris is known for one thing, it is the wedding dress capital of Paris. The street I live on is filled with shop after shop of cheap tuxedos and bridal gowns.

I am lucky theory: If I had a long-term girlfriend one could say this is destiny telling me something. What bigger hint could you have? But as you now know I do not have a long-term girlfriend nor have I ever, thus leading to...

God really hates me theory: God must really hate me to put me on a street where I am constantly reminded that I don't have and have never had a long-term relationship. It is a constant reminder of that fact. It is almost like a scrwany school kid walking to school that knows every time he passes a certain corner on his way to school, he will get punched in the gut by the school bully. I am that scrawny school kid.

Speaking of which I have now lost 15lbs, thus proving my theory that the best diet for any male (notice only male) is to live in Europe for awhile. For some reason every American female I have known that has lived here for awhile actually puts on weight, while every male I have known loses weight and lots of it. I once knew a professional dancer that looked like she had 3 kids and lived in a trailor park by the time she had left France.

Tip if ever visiting Paris: Avoid stepping in all liquids in the street. The only time it is okay is if you are following street cleaner....seriously trust me on this one.

Random Dream: So two nights ago I dreamt that I saw Patrick Ewing and his wife driving a small European car on the Left Bank. That was it, that was the dream.

UPDATE on drunken President Email: Come to find out that only I received this email, everyone else received the full version. This just adds credence to the theory that God really hates me. If you have read comments to the previous post you will understand this.

Drunken e-mail from College President???

2006-09-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

Okay so this is the email I received from my University's President, yes President....

"wing the Piper spirit by supporting our athletic teams and I encourage you to check out the Hamline website for times and locations of the competitions. It's been one week since the the launch of the strategic planning process at Convocation last Frida"

I did not change any text nor remove or add any punctuation. Who lets an email like that get released, doesn't the secretary or administrator check those things over first? No wonder I haven't had any job offers if the university President writes e-mails like that.

And yes it is still f'ing hot in Paris.

Baggage, Prague, and other ramblings

2006-09-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

So I said my next post would be about compensation and all of that...I lied, get used to it. AA found my bag even though it literally had over 6 tags from differnet airlines and places on it. Everything was inside, nothing damaged, still pissed about it though.

I decided to go for a visit to Prague. That is the Czech Republic if anyone other than Arbusto decides to read this, not the Czechleslovkia. Although I did meet a very cute Slovakian girl with an Irish accent. The women there are incredible...I can't say more without having to clear my keyboard off after I think about them. The architecture was pretty sweet too. I will not bore you all with photos, just my words. I also went and saw a Torture Museum, cue scary music. I was thinking it was going to be a ripoff of like one cool thing and then a bunch of pictures and descriptions. There were actually a ton of cool things in it including a saw. What pretell do they do with a saw? Glad you asked, they would hold "witches" upside down by their ankles and saw. Yes that means they would start between the legs and saw to the head, and for some reason it was considered a humane form of torture. I think the ol' Prez would have liked those times.

What else to update you with....oh yeah my slingbox is not working. It is the contraption where I can watch my TV back home from my computer. What do I have to do to fix it only send a CD I have here home, buy a completely new router, and then have someone connect it from there while talking to my ISP to open a port so I can watch it. And my family cannot even figure out how to work the remotes of my TV. I have no idea who will be able to do this for me.

Crazy bird updates:
I have a pigeon nesting outside my window with two baby pigeons (what the hell do you call them). I have watched them grow up from hatchlings till now where they can fly, problem is I opened my window and one nearly flew in before I hurridly shut my window. Stupid pigeons.

I also nearly had a bird poop on me again, well not me as so much as my ice cream cone. The scary part was if I had not been looking I would not have noticed and would have eaten...well you get the point. It missed by centimeters and for all of you incapable of learning the metric system, tough.

Introduction

2006-09-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

I am essentially a real life George Costanza from bulging wallet to being short and stocky to even wanting to wear sweat pants all of the time if society would let me. I once had a brand new coat whose zipper would always get stuck.

This blog will be about weird and somewhat comical happenings in my life with the occaisional rant about random things. I love to rant.

So how should I begin? Let me first stay that I am in my first week of a 4 month study abroad program in Paris. I am taking a semester of law school to study French/International Alternative Dispute Resolution practices. Basically means I get 4 months off of law school to sit and listen to peoples problems and try to give them a solution that works for both parties.

So what event has happened to me so far? Well I currently do not have my luggage. Essentially it goes like this...I arrived in Paris from Minneapolis via Dallas. My luggage did not. The employees at Paris said it would probably be on the next flight over from Dallas, so the next day. This made sense, since I only had about an hour between flights from Minneapolis to Paris at Dallas. I made the gate when they started boarding. No problem. It was kind of awkward though showing up to my host family without any bags.

The next day. I call American Airlines, no bag. They say it got sent to Dublin. Yes the land of shamrocks, 4 leaf clovers, and Guiness. Why was my bag sent to Dublin? American couldn't explain that one. They did say though that Air Lingus would fly it over to Paris on the next flight, give my bag to Air France (some weird airline regulation), and then give it to American. They said this would take 1 to 2 days.

I guess at this point I should say I stupidly forgot to pack an extra pair of clothes in my carry-on, like I always do when flying. Why? Well my "logical" thought process told me, "if you can't have your toiletries on board you will stink anyways, so why pack clothes?" Yes why would I pack extra clothes....I am an idiot.

So recap: me no bag, bag getting drunk and lucky in Ireland, I am hating American Airlines.

I let two days past and try and call American. No one answers entire day. I finally, on day 5, go to the airport, which costs 18 Euros to do. I begin going through the chain of people until I finally make it to the lost baggage people. They call Air Lingus. Air Lingus has no record of my bag ever going on a flight from Dublin to Paris (even though the computers show it has) and has no record of it in Dublin either. Shit.

American then tells me that my bag is "hors de systeme" translation, "I am fucked and my bag is gone forever". It really means that my bag is no longer being tracked by any computers because they don't know where it is at. At this point I demand to have the phone given to me and numbers I can call to Dallas with so I can get some answers. The American represenative got mad and said please in a questioning matter, meaning she wanted me to say please. I instead said, "Merci" and took the phone from her. Amercian in US tells me they will send me a form that I have to fill out, wait 12 weeks, and if nothing happens I will get my case handed over to the claims department. Yes you read that correctly 12 weeks. After more "discussions" I finally hang up.

I decided to go to the zoo to take a nice long walk and calm down. The day before I had bought two shirts to tide me over (not realizing my bag was completely lost). At the zoo to top off a wonderful day what happens....

a seagull shits on me. I was wearing a black shirt. What can be more symbolic then having a flying object shit on me after finding out American had lost my luggage forever.

Next post....Airline compensation and shopping spree in Paris