Metrosexuals
As entertaining as "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was, they pissed me off. They ruined men all over this blessed country. Seriously. In fact not only that, but I can make an argument that "Queer Eye" has even helped ruin our economy. Yes the economy. So hear my rant.
Let me list what a guy has to think about to be a metrosexual: lotion on body, hair conditioner AND shampoo, whiten teeth, pluck eyebrows, facial conditioners and masks, lip balm, manicures, pedicures, shaving/waxing unwanted hair, dyed and styled haircuts, and shit I don't even understand like spray-on tans. What the FUCK people???? Holy crap that is way too much.
Here is what a guy should do when he wakes up: piss/poop, shower using one shampoo and one body wash (if you have time), brush your teeth, deodorant, and shave if needed (see Arbusto's blog). That is it, no more no less. What else does a guy really need to do?
How does this ruin the economy? How much friggin time does it take to pluck eyebrows, wax a back, use a facial mask? Instead a CEO could be closing a deal, or you could be watching a baseball game, drinking a beer, eating a hot dog, and pissing in the troff at the Metrodome like any normal guy should be doing.
Why the hell would any man want to do all of that shit to his body? There is no reason. I guess some will say women. Well yeah there is that but 20, 30, 40 years ago and more guys didn't do this crap to themselves. This will pass like the fad it is, just like jean jackets, bell bottoms, and Zubas (you know MC Hammer pants).
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
HATE: A Thursday Event
A brief introductory note...
Voila, Arbusto and I (and whoever else wants to join the Hate roll) have decided to plan a weekly event on every Thursday that catalogs what we "hate" (more like dislike strongly or have a feud with) in categories. For instance: what tree I hate the most? What holiday I hate the most? What country I hate the most? What blogger named Arbusto I hate the most? The rules are kind of loose.
THERE ARE SOME RULES HOWEVER
We do realize that there are some really stupid, ignorant, idiotic people out there so we need to clarify what we are doing. We are doing this purely out of fun. Who doesn't like to vent now and then? At no times will any of these posts be racist or extremely hurtful. We are not doing this to become a hate group or gang, we are doing this purely for laughs. We only use the word "hate" because we got a good catchy acronym for the title of our event. That does not mean we will shy away from people because sometimes people are just downright stupid...I think the best example right now might be pantyless wonder of mothering Britney Spears. Which also brings up another point, at NO point will a "HATE post" be targeted towards an individual UNLESS that person is a celebrity and being stupid, or the person is not mentioned by name and it is not a true hate but more of an arch rival/nemesis disliking. In fact most of the things we will be posting we do not hate at all but it is what we dislike the most in that category. Each week will be a different subject. NO repeats!
Some banned categories:
Race
Sexuality
Nationality (unless purely satirical like a Swede posting about a Norwegian...damn those Norwegians)
Others to come....
End Introduction and begin the fun! Welcome and enjoy. Spread the love, join in!
Arbusto and I have decided to do the same category this week to start this thing off, so without further ado here is my hate....
And in the category of bathrooms the nominee is: Bathrooms in France
And the winner goes to: Bathrooms in France (please hold your applause till after the post)
Okay so I hate bathrooms in France. There are several reasons too. The first being the whole concept of going to the bathroom there. Let me tell you this important detail to better help you understand, I poop a lot. Not just a lot, an enormous amount. This means several times a day. So when in France it is difficult. Why? Because they don't really have the concept of the PUBLIC toilet over there. If I am walking down a street in Paris and need to take a crap, I am screwed. If you enter into a restaurant they very rarely just let you use the bathroom, normally you have to be a customer. That goes for all businesses in fact. Unlike here in the great US where I can basically go into most places and use the bathroom, there it is almost if it is taboo to use another person's bathroom. One time in an emergency I had to beg to use the bathroom. GOOD GOD people this is the fucking 21st century where no man should have to BEG to use the fucking bathroom.
On the off chance the business let's you use their bathroom you are faced with another situation, especially when you need to....drop the kids off at the pool, if you catch my drift. It is one of the most hated "inventions" in the world. It is called the Turkish Toilet (sorry Turkish people I actually really like you it is just the name of the toilet). I want the man who created it shot, hung, electrocuted, poisoned, tarred and feathered, and drawn and quartered all at the same time. Seriously who things having a porcelain place to STAND and SQUAT into a small hole in the floor was a good idea? Is that the same guy who decided New Coke was a good idea? Here is a pic of one, the ridges are where you put your feet.
Isn't that the prettiest thing you have seen? It is especially great on those days where you have the beer shits. Yes, that is not fun. I HATE Turkish toilets. You are screwed too if you have week legs, might as well and not even try then.
Finally my last hate about bathrooms in France is the toilet paper. Apparently they think sandpaper against the ass crack is a good thing. Wow couldn't agree more you cheese eating bastards (I actually like the French they just piss me off on this issue). Not only is it sandpaper but more often than not it is the square single tissue type. WHAT GOOD IS THAT??? Who can use one sheet of single ply sandpaper to clean anything up?
One last note, when I had my externship at the law firm in Paris I experienced something that compared to utility with the Turkish Toilet...a square toilet seat. No your eyes did not deceive you I said a SQUARE fucking TOILET SEAT. Who the fuck has a square ass? Unless there is some race of Lego people that I do not know about people have rounded shape buttocks, NOT SQUARE. Holy god was that uncomfortable. I think that person should just be forced to sit on his own invention for hours on end. And who was the brilliant genius at the law firm who decided to install that??? I know lawyers bullshit all of the time but apparently it all comes out their mouth and they don't have to use the square fucking toilet seat.
Well that is enough for now.
KUDOS TO ME NOT ONLY AM I STARTING THIS WEEKLY EVENT, IT IS POST NUMBER 50 FOR ME. I would like to thank Blogger, Arbusto, my laptop, all those little people that made this possible, Mona, Southern Canadian, Toucan Sam, am I forgetting anyone?
Voila, Arbusto and I (and whoever else wants to join the Hate roll) have decided to plan a weekly event on every Thursday that catalogs what we "hate" (more like dislike strongly or have a feud with) in categories. For instance: what tree I hate the most? What holiday I hate the most? What country I hate the most? What blogger named Arbusto I hate the most? The rules are kind of loose.
THERE ARE SOME RULES HOWEVER
We do realize that there are some really stupid, ignorant, idiotic people out there so we need to clarify what we are doing. We are doing this purely out of fun. Who doesn't like to vent now and then? At no times will any of these posts be racist or extremely hurtful. We are not doing this to become a hate group or gang, we are doing this purely for laughs. We only use the word "hate" because we got a good catchy acronym for the title of our event. That does not mean we will shy away from people because sometimes people are just downright stupid...I think the best example right now might be pantyless wonder of mothering Britney Spears. Which also brings up another point, at NO point will a "HATE post" be targeted towards an individual UNLESS that person is a celebrity and being stupid, or the person is not mentioned by name and it is not a true hate but more of an arch rival/nemesis disliking. In fact most of the things we will be posting we do not hate at all but it is what we dislike the most in that category. Each week will be a different subject. NO repeats!
Some banned categories:
Race
Sexuality
Nationality (unless purely satirical like a Swede posting about a Norwegian...damn those Norwegians)
Others to come....
End Introduction and begin the fun! Welcome and enjoy. Spread the love, join in!
Arbusto and I have decided to do the same category this week to start this thing off, so without further ado here is my hate....
And in the category of bathrooms the nominee is: Bathrooms in France
And the winner goes to: Bathrooms in France (please hold your applause till after the post)
Okay so I hate bathrooms in France. There are several reasons too. The first being the whole concept of going to the bathroom there. Let me tell you this important detail to better help you understand, I poop a lot. Not just a lot, an enormous amount. This means several times a day. So when in France it is difficult. Why? Because they don't really have the concept of the PUBLIC toilet over there. If I am walking down a street in Paris and need to take a crap, I am screwed. If you enter into a restaurant they very rarely just let you use the bathroom, normally you have to be a customer. That goes for all businesses in fact. Unlike here in the great US where I can basically go into most places and use the bathroom, there it is almost if it is taboo to use another person's bathroom. One time in an emergency I had to beg to use the bathroom. GOOD GOD people this is the fucking 21st century where no man should have to BEG to use the fucking bathroom.
On the off chance the business let's you use their bathroom you are faced with another situation, especially when you need to....drop the kids off at the pool, if you catch my drift. It is one of the most hated "inventions" in the world. It is called the Turkish Toilet (sorry Turkish people I actually really like you it is just the name of the toilet). I want the man who created it shot, hung, electrocuted, poisoned, tarred and feathered, and drawn and quartered all at the same time. Seriously who things having a porcelain place to STAND and SQUAT into a small hole in the floor was a good idea? Is that the same guy who decided New Coke was a good idea? Here is a pic of one, the ridges are where you put your feet.
Isn't that the prettiest thing you have seen? It is especially great on those days where you have the beer shits. Yes, that is not fun. I HATE Turkish toilets. You are screwed too if you have week legs, might as well and not even try then.
Finally my last hate about bathrooms in France is the toilet paper. Apparently they think sandpaper against the ass crack is a good thing. Wow couldn't agree more you cheese eating bastards (I actually like the French they just piss me off on this issue). Not only is it sandpaper but more often than not it is the square single tissue type. WHAT GOOD IS THAT??? Who can use one sheet of single ply sandpaper to clean anything up?
One last note, when I had my externship at the law firm in Paris I experienced something that compared to utility with the Turkish Toilet...a square toilet seat. No your eyes did not deceive you I said a SQUARE fucking TOILET SEAT. Who the fuck has a square ass? Unless there is some race of Lego people that I do not know about people have rounded shape buttocks, NOT SQUARE. Holy god was that uncomfortable. I think that person should just be forced to sit on his own invention for hours on end. And who was the brilliant genius at the law firm who decided to install that??? I know lawyers bullshit all of the time but apparently it all comes out their mouth and they don't have to use the square fucking toilet seat.
Well that is enough for now.
KUDOS TO ME NOT ONLY AM I STARTING THIS WEEKLY EVENT, IT IS POST NUMBER 50 FOR ME. I would like to thank Blogger, Arbusto, my laptop, all those little people that made this possible, Mona, Southern Canadian, Toucan Sam, am I forgetting anyone?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Sparks are a flying
So I thought that would be a clever title for Valentine's Day. No I have no romantic interest, c'mon don't you know me by now? Not going to happen. Actually the title is literal rather than figurative. The other day in class my professor hit an electrical box with his shoe and sparks went flying all over the room. It was actually pretty cool because the sparks were pretty colorful and jumped about 3 feet in the air. My professor was pissed, not because he nearly got burned, but because he didn't get burned...he was wanting worker's comp.
So I have been to yet another doctor (number 4 now) about my kidneys. Each one gets progressively more confused. I give up, I guess I am just going to keep having these weird searing pains in my kidney...yay.
BIG EVENT PLANNED FOR THURSDAY ON MY BLOG AND ON ARBUSTO'S BLOG.
So I have been to yet another doctor (number 4 now) about my kidneys. Each one gets progressively more confused. I give up, I guess I am just going to keep having these weird searing pains in my kidney...yay.
BIG EVENT PLANNED FOR THURSDAY ON MY BLOG AND ON ARBUSTO'S BLOG.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
What a great week I have had!!!
My week began, of course, with my beloved Chicago Bears losing the Super Bowl. It hurt. It didn't help that at my Super Bowl party my uncle was rubbing it in that my team lost. I did have a great spread of food though.
Tuesday:
Went to the podiatrist (foot doctor). At first he gave me a bunch of different options including a slew of evasive surgeries that would keep me off my feet for 4 months at a minimum. Joy. It was odd though because my normal podiatrist had never mentioned these surgeries before.
So the podiatrist on Tuesday ordered for some x-rays and an ultrasound that can only be done by one radiologist in the Twin Cities. He read the X-rays. He was speechless. He didn't know what to make of my foot and said I was his most unusual case. Normally people would be worried to hear this, I was actually reassured. All of my podiatrists have said this, and it worried me when this guy thought he could diagnose me right away; boy was he wrong. Completely wrong. In fact he was going to share my case with colleagues at their weekly dinner where they share their "unique" cases.
So I am back to square 1 with my feet, no one knows what to do with them because they have never seen anything like them.
Wednesday:
Oh how I loved today. I spent 4 hours in the ER. Specifically 4AM-8AM. I woke up in pain at 3:30AM, severe pain. I had the same pain as I did when I had my kidney stone in August. I assumed I had another kidney stone. I woke up my sister-in-law and her parents (my brother was gone on business), so she and her dad took me to the hospital.
At the hospital they gave me 8mg of morphine pretty quickly. It didn't really help. Another nurse came in to try and do something for the pain and didn't believe I had already received 8mg of morphine, so he went and confirmed with the other nurse and doc. They confirmed it including the doc saying, "well he is a big boy". Thanks doc. They then gave me more morphine.
Well the verdict was it wasn't a kidney stone...nor appendicitis, infection, muscle spasm...etc. In fact they had no idea, especially when the pain got worse, the worse it had ever been. They then gave me percoset (sp?) and eventually released me. They have no idea what I had, and said I had "abdominal pain" in the release sheet, yet oddly enough the only pain I had was in my kidney.
Can I just get my own MASH unit or personal ER team to follow me around?
God it is only Wednesday, what will the rest of the week bring me?
Tuesday:
Went to the podiatrist (foot doctor). At first he gave me a bunch of different options including a slew of evasive surgeries that would keep me off my feet for 4 months at a minimum. Joy. It was odd though because my normal podiatrist had never mentioned these surgeries before.
So the podiatrist on Tuesday ordered for some x-rays and an ultrasound that can only be done by one radiologist in the Twin Cities. He read the X-rays. He was speechless. He didn't know what to make of my foot and said I was his most unusual case. Normally people would be worried to hear this, I was actually reassured. All of my podiatrists have said this, and it worried me when this guy thought he could diagnose me right away; boy was he wrong. Completely wrong. In fact he was going to share my case with colleagues at their weekly dinner where they share their "unique" cases.
So I am back to square 1 with my feet, no one knows what to do with them because they have never seen anything like them.
Wednesday:
Oh how I loved today. I spent 4 hours in the ER. Specifically 4AM-8AM. I woke up in pain at 3:30AM, severe pain. I had the same pain as I did when I had my kidney stone in August. I assumed I had another kidney stone. I woke up my sister-in-law and her parents (my brother was gone on business), so she and her dad took me to the hospital.
At the hospital they gave me 8mg of morphine pretty quickly. It didn't really help. Another nurse came in to try and do something for the pain and didn't believe I had already received 8mg of morphine, so he went and confirmed with the other nurse and doc. They confirmed it including the doc saying, "well he is a big boy". Thanks doc. They then gave me more morphine.
Well the verdict was it wasn't a kidney stone...nor appendicitis, infection, muscle spasm...etc. In fact they had no idea, especially when the pain got worse, the worse it had ever been. They then gave me percoset (sp?) and eventually released me. They have no idea what I had, and said I had "abdominal pain" in the release sheet, yet oddly enough the only pain I had was in my kidney.
Can I just get my own MASH unit or personal ER team to follow me around?
God it is only Wednesday, what will the rest of the week bring me?
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Conan vs Serena
So I just watched Conan O'Brien take on Serena Williams, 2007 Australian Open winner, in Wii Tennis. It was hilarious. Somehow Conan won. I am not sure what was scarier...how much I enjoyed this, or Conan in a tight white shirt with even tighter short shorts and yes Conan's pasty white skin matched his outfit.
Line of the week:
I was on the phone with someone who I haven't talked to much since I have been back.
Me: Hey
B: Hey
blah blah blah
B: Oh yeah my girlfriend wants to know if you had fun when you were abroad.
Me: What? I haven't been "abroad"...I have always been a dude.
Yes, I am that bad.
Line of the week:
I was on the phone with someone who I haven't talked to much since I have been back.
Me: Hey
B: Hey
blah blah blah
B: Oh yeah my girlfriend wants to know if you had fun when you were abroad.
Me: What? I haven't been "abroad"...I have always been a dude.
Yes, I am that bad.
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