HATE: NCAA March Madness Nicknames

Everyone loves March Madness, a bunch of kids playing basketball for free while millions of people spend millions of dollars betting on who screws up the least. Along with March Madness come the crazy announcers shouting god knows what as the seconds tick away and Lebron Jordan shoots a buzzer beater that clangs out of the rim and they lose.

So what can be better than that?

How about the 64 teams nicknames. This year the field has such classics as Long Beach State "Beaches", Southern Illinois "Salukies" (I actually like the sound of that), Oregon "Ducks", Texas A&M CC "Islanders", Tennessee "Volunteers", and the list goes on. Be careful not to upset the Ducks on the Beach of the Islanders as the Salukie chases those damn Volunteers. That just scares the bejesus out of me.

But all of these pail in comparison to the very nickname synonymous with horror, one that strikes fear into any man or woman who even mumbles the name, one whose name causes your ears to bleed if the very name is even mentioned.....

The Penn "Quakers" Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Okay first off we are talking about an Ivy League school. Can they not think of anything better than Quakers? Are they not smarter than that? Or is it because it deals with sports they automatically suck at it? I mean this is the alma mater of Warren Buffet and Donald Trump. Yes I will say it, whoever came up with the "Quaker" nickname, "You're fired!"

So I know all nicknames are not threatening but unless a school called themselves the Mother Theresas, the Ghandis, or the jumping jesuses (how do you make Jesus plural) you could not have picked more pacifying name. Everyone knows Quakers "turn the other cheek". I hope to God that Penn does not have a hockey team. That would just be devastating.

Now I can make fun of them because growing up I went to "meetings". Yes that is Quaker service or in today's terms Society of Friends (apparently Quaker is too old fashion). My Dad is a Quaker. My mom ELCA Lutheran. That meant I spent one week at boring old Lutheran service as my Grandma and I pointed and laughed at people who danced to the music or clapped their hands as the "spirit swayed them", and the next week at meeting.

I was young when going to meetings so let me tell you what I remember about them. We would go to a normal looking house type building with about 20 people there. I would grab a magazine, usually a Zoobook (I loved those) and everyone would sit in a circle. Everyone but me, who was intently reading how fast a Cheetah can run, would be silent and staring at nothing for about 20 minutes. Then out of the blue someone would stand up and say something that either concerned them or that they read in the news. At this point I had moved on to how bats can "see" in pitch black caves. Then after another 10 minutes or so of more silence or someone occasionally saying that they were saddened by the plight of the migrant farmers in Pushatanwali, we would break for cookies, cheese, crackers, and coffee. I would go to some lame Sunday School where we learned how the Quakers were persecuted by the English so they came to the US. Then on the way home we would listen to Casey Kasem's top 40. All in all Quaker service completely ruled Lutheran service. I have never learned so much about animals as I did in meeting. As it turns out I know understand why they were silent, they were meditating, hopefully my page turning didn't upset them.

So remember the Quakers didn't lose to the Aggies (the real Texas A&M in the tournament), they turned the other cheek.

And I know I still have night terrors of hearing Jim Nantz yell, "Here come the Quakers running down the court!"